Wednesday, June 21, 2017

free at last


well, I turned in my last paper of junior year.
I watched some of my best friends throw their caps into the air.
we took our bow together.
the announcements are on the fridge. 

and we're free for summer. 
we're ready for beaches
long walks
shopping
sleeping in 

I'm ready to rest. 
my room needs a deep cleaning. 
the world weighs heavily on me.
I need some sun.

although I'm free,
I need Jesus. 
his stability calls to me, 
begging me to submit myself to his timing. 
his schedule. 
his freedom. 
oh how I find rest in his freedom. 


Thursday, June 8, 2017

chasing pink sky

today I am so cranky.
I've been a jerk and fought with my mom.
I've snapped and cracked.
errrr.
I just feel gross,
you know?

I'm tired.
Physically and mentally.

I've danced for what feels like fifty days in a row.
I've bottled bottled bottled emotion.
I'm bracing myself to say goodbye to dear friends and
I just.
don't.
want.
to.
I feel poor and I need to buy: makeup, a planner, sunglasses, and a phone case.
I thought I would be done with school today and I'm not.


It rained all day today,
which felt like a constant reminder of my inside state.
When I was driving home tonight after ballet,
it was still wet.
But it was also lighter than usual for 9pm.
To the left, it was dark and stormy and grey.
The right, however, was pink and yellow and blue.

I would glance through the empty streets of our little town, and see pink sky.
warm, saturated, sky.

You know, we serve a God of reckless grace.
Big, bright, beautiful grace that showers us when we humble ourselves before our God.

today, I'm thankful for grace.
I'm thankful for doughnuts and coffee.
I'm thankful for tears, however embarrassing or inconvenient they may be.
today, I'm choosing to chase the God who paints the sky pink.


Tuesday, June 6, 2017

be _______

be brave.
stop hiding in fear of screwing up.
stop protecting every inch of your design.
you can do it.

be bold.
start speaking life into others.
if the word is cold,
warm it with your flame.

be strong.
don't let fear get the best of you.
you contain more power and influence
than you will ever know.

be kind.
choose your words with grace.
little eyes are watching-
be the person you wished you had in your life.




Tuesday, May 30, 2017

broken people sit in church pews


every Sunday, church buildings fill up with imperfect people.
we stand in the sanctuary, singing songs led by flawed worship leaders.
we nit-pick words spoken by struggling pastors.


on Sundays, we slap concealer on our blemishes.
we straighten our posture and sweeten our words.
we nod and smile while tuning out.


how sad it is,
that we feel the need to pretend our brokenness doesn't exist.

because in reality,
when the broken pieces stand together
the glory of the fixer is all the more beautiful.



Monday, May 15, 2017

lately


lately
I've been trying to avoid sugar and it's pretty hard.
like, not very fun.
errrrr.
whyyy I'm I doing thiss...

ohh, also I'm really craving cheese pizza.


lately
I took the SAT and felt so, adult.
I'm sure I failed one of math sections because my brain fell out of my head.
Also, I didn't have any coffee that morning.


lately
I've been obsessed with the book of Habakkuk.
Like, I'm just a little bit in and I'm so blown away with the depth.
The parallels of my life are staggering,
so I'm trying to drink in it's wisdom.


lately
I've been rehearsing for my dance school's production of ALICE.
I have no idea what's happening.
No idea.


lately
I've been thinking about the future and how all my friends are graduating and leaving me.
*sniffffffffff*
wow.
There're all so beautiful, old, and talented and all these graduation announcements are making me sappy.


so what has your 'lately' been looking like?


Wednesday, May 10, 2017

his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious vision

what do you think the vision is for your life?

sure, make it through high school.
collage, jobs, kids, marriages.

but beyond that...
what do you think God's vision for your life is?


I know what my vision for my life is.
I graduate high school with perfect grades, before heading off to a conservatory to study dance performance.
I'll live in a perfectly, Pinterest-y dorm room and have lots of friends.
While I'm there, some visiting important-person will say I'm amazingly talented and ask me to come dance on Broadway.
I'll move and dance in lots of Broadway shows, while getting married to my incredibly hot husband.
We'll have a few Jesus-loving kids and live happily ever after.

but God's vision?
err, not really sure on that one.

right now I'm struggling with some hard people that love malice and gossip.
they deliberately hurt in order to deal with their own hurt.
they seek conflict instead of peace and humility, simply because it's easier.
and.
it's.
so.
painfully hard.

because where is God in this?
where is justice?
what's the next right thing?

the prophet Habakkuk asked God the same thing.
in chapter one, Habakkuk is complaining to God about the evilness of the world. 
he asks, "How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?" [Habakkuk 1:2]

and God answers him saying, 

"Look at the nations and watch-
    and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
    that you would not believe
    even if you were told."

Habakkuk responds with a second complaint;

"Your eyes are too pure to look on evil;
    you cannot tolerate wrongdoing.
Why then do you tolerate the treacherous?
    Why are you silent while the wicked
    swallow up those more righteous than themselves?"


and agian, God answers saying;

“Write down the vision I am giving you.
    Write it clearly on the tablets you use.
Then a messenger can read it
    and run to announce it.
The vision I give you
    waits for the time I have appointed.
It speaks about what is going to happen.
    And all of it will come true.
It might take a while.
    But wait for it.
You can be sure it will come.
    It will happen when I want it to. 

whhhhaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt?!?!?!?

friends, His vision for your life is more amazing than you could ever imagine!
it's bigger than high school and Broadway and hot husbands.
it's SO SO SO SO AMAZING!

and all he asks of us is to wait.
to listen.
to write and read about his goodness.

today, I challenge you to stop.
to look through your journals,
read your old blog posts
think through your life.
see God's faithfulness.
see the beginning of his vision.

and know.
know that it's just that;
the beginning of an utterly amazing vision.

Monday, May 1, 2017

we don't get pauses

On the rare occasion that my mom and I fight (wink wink), 
there is often one, if not more, pauses.
We're big pausers.

It usually goes like:
blahhhhh blahhhh
blahhhhh 
*volume increases* 
blahhhhhh
yell shout yeellllllll
I'M GETTING TOO MAD I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK
OKAY!
OKAY, FINE!

And then I (because it's usually me who needs to pause) storm off and
a) cry
or
b) think of evil comebacks.

And while I sit there trying to think about why this is such a big deal (clue: 98.99% of the time it's not), my mom comes in peace and we try to figure out where our communication went wrong.
In a calm(ish) manner.
Sometimes we take more pauses, sometimes we don't.


You know what I realized about this?
It's really hard to hit the pause button in real life.



Almost every day someone asks me for a detailed power-point of the next ten years of my life. Usually I respond with one of my three canned answers.
And every time, I'm subtly reminded that I don't know what-the-heck I'm going to do.
Which is fine.
It's fine.  

But I just want to pause this whole stupid growing-up thing!
I don't want to take the SAT on Saturday.
I don't want to make a list of collages to visit.
I don't want to be responsible and grow up schedule my own appointments.
I don't want to face conflict on my own!


But as much as I'd like it, there are no pauses in life.
We can stop, think and take a walk, but the clock keeps ticking.
The music keeps playing.
And there are no pauses.

"You mean to say that you wrote this just to tell me that the world keeps spinning and just to keep freaking out?!?!?!?"

Err, kinda.

But I also want to remind you (and me) that we don't know the plot.
We don't design the timeline.
He does.
And He knows when we need time-outs better than we do.

So before you keep yelling, take a breath.
And remember:
His strength.
His pauses.
Because he's got it.
He's got you.