Friday, August 4, 2017

choose to believe [or not]


I walked to my nanny job after two weeks of vacation, to be smothered in hugs.
The little faces looked up at me and in the midst of procolmations about me being home,
"You look at little chubby," poped out of one mouth.

Given my rough history with body image and stuff, my heart skipped a beat.
Do I I really look  chubby? 
Chubby?  What does that even mean? 
Well I didn't really eat well on vacation .
Gezz Elissa, why did you have all those ice cream sandwiches!? 
You are so fat now. 
And you have absolutely no self control.
What a cow. 
All that in 0.067 seconds. 

Usually I can hear that, listen to the commentary, and shake it off because I have the tools to do so.
I know that I eat pretty healthily. 
I'm allowed to eat yummy things on vacation. 
*deep breath  Elissa*
But as I walked through my morning, it stuck with me. 
I started questioning all sorts of things and feeling sucky in general. 
This is what you look like now. 
A little chubby. 
How are you ever planning on showing up for dance  like this?
You know Nutcracker auditions are in a month right? 
Wow. 
When things like this happen, I know one of the abosolute worst things I can do is change how I eat my next meal. 
So eating lunch was next. 
And than a snack. 
And now I'm writing this post. 

You guys, in the same breath I was told I was chubby I was ask told I looked taller. 
I know I have not grown a inch in two weeks. 
So why am I willing to believe that I'm suddenly "chubby"? 
Why do I want to feel bad? 

Lies are smart like that. 
We dwell on the small ones, and they target or weaknesses like non other. 
They sneak into petty comments, shoot straight for the soft spot. 
They come to kill and distroy. 
So don't let them.

Choose what you believe. 
And please oh please, choose wisely.

Monday, July 31, 2017

hello it's me

Question: why are you not commenting on the amazing things I'm putting on the internet?
Question: why have you not posted all month?
Question: what the heck Elissa!?!?

ANSWER: Because I'm lazy and I've been in vacation.

*now that we have that cleared up*

Hello it's me, your friend Elissa!!
How's it going people?
What's the weather like where you are? [I'm actually genuinely curious because...]
I JUST SPENT 15 DAYS ON THE EAST COST AND MY LAND THIS PNW CHILD WAS HOT.

*cue vacation photo dump*

But actually I'm going to wait to post pictures because I want to say something meaningful.
IT'S COMING.

So yeah.
I've missed you guys.
What's been happening? 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

just be



well by golly it's july.
woaahhhhhhhh.

this summer, i'm challenging myself.
i'm challenging myself to not set all these giant goals.
i'm trying to not set big expectations.
i'm working on taking each day at a time, while still being mindful of how today will affect the future.

because in our mad stampede to have perfect Instagram-y, perfect beach-y hair, crossed off everything on the checklist, perfect food filled days, it's hard to just be.
at at some point, we all have to realize it's good (even healthy!) to stop doing and start being.

it's hard to enjoy life when you're so focused on enduring it perfectly.
it's hard to enjoy life when your checklist never shortens, day after day after day.
it's hard to enjoy life when you can't find time for the most important things.

today, take a moment to "be."
feel your lungs inflate and deflate with air.
hear the birds chirp.
let the sky shine on you.
and remember what a precious privilege it is to just be.


p.s. i got to hold puppies this week so yeah. be jealous. 

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

i'm wrong (and it's awful) but i'm learning


the other day I got called out.
callllleeeeddd out.
errrrrrrrrgggggg

me, perfect little Elissa, the all time people-pleasing-kiss-up has a plank in my eye.
and I was called on it.

and as much as it stinks and I feel weird and defensive about it,
it humbles me in a very uncomfortable way.

soooo I'm learning to loose the log.
I'm learning to stop and evaluate why I think the way I do.

I'm learning humility,
the word Jesus has been impressing on my heart.

I'm learning to receive correction with grace.

so I was wrong.
and it is awful.
but I'm learning.
oh how I'm learning.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

free at last


well, I turned in my last paper of junior year.
I watched some of my best friends throw their caps into the air.
we took our bow together.
the announcements are on the fridge. 

and we're free for summer. 
we're ready for beaches
long walks
shopping
sleeping in 

I'm ready to rest. 
my room needs a deep cleaning. 
the world weighs heavily on me.
I need some sun.

although I'm free,
I need Jesus. 
his stability calls to me, 
begging me to submit myself to his timing. 
his schedule. 
his freedom. 
oh how I find rest in his freedom. 


Thursday, June 8, 2017

chasing pink sky

today I am so cranky.
I've been a jerk and fought with my mom.
I've snapped and cracked.
errrr.
I just feel gross,
you know?

I'm tired.
Physically and mentally.

I've danced for what feels like fifty days in a row.
I've bottled bottled bottled emotion.
I'm bracing myself to say goodbye to dear friends and
I just.
don't.
want.
to.
I feel poor and I need to buy: makeup, a planner, sunglasses, and a phone case.
I thought I would be done with school today and I'm not.


It rained all day today,
which felt like a constant reminder of my inside state.
When I was driving home tonight after ballet,
it was still wet.
But it was also lighter than usual for 9pm.
To the left, it was dark and stormy and grey.
The right, however, was pink and yellow and blue.

I would glance through the empty streets of our little town, and see pink sky.
warm, saturated, sky.

You know, we serve a God of reckless grace.
Big, bright, beautiful grace that showers us when we humble ourselves before our God.

today, I'm thankful for grace.
I'm thankful for doughnuts and coffee.
I'm thankful for tears, however embarrassing or inconvenient they may be.
today, I'm choosing to chase the God who paints the sky pink.


Tuesday, June 6, 2017

be _______

be brave.
stop hiding in fear of screwing up.
stop protecting every inch of your design.
you can do it.

be bold.
start speaking life into others.
if the word is cold,
warm it with your flame.

be strong.
don't let fear get the best of you.
you contain more power and influence
than you will ever know.

be kind.
choose your words with grace.
little eyes are watching-
be the person you wished you had in your life.