Showing posts with label who you are. Show all posts
Showing posts with label who you are. Show all posts

Saturday, August 6, 2016

the girl in the screen


I walk up to my room, empty of laughter and whispers, yet so full of things that call out their last use.

The paint brushes we used until 3:30am making water-color hand-lettering.
The chocolate cookies we ate compulsively.
Her cup of water.
A beautiful card that I still haven't actually read because I could only get two sentences in.
Two black flip-flops, one with a redneck contraption resulting from: first night of mission trip/long walk/broken shoe/hairband/a future engineer.
A pink notebook.

It's all petty and little and stupid.
She's moved before.
I've visited before.
We've done this.

In fact, we're almost pros at long distance friendship.
Our fb messaging game is beyond stellar.
Facetime is a regular occurrence and rarely lasts under an hour.
She knows what's happening.
I know what's happening.
We talk, and cry, and laugh together across a giant ocean.

Yes, it's hard not zipping to her house that's no longer 7 minutes away.
It's sad to miss each others races, concerts, recitals, shows, time after time after time. 
I hate not having sleepovers.
I hate not being able to have her meet the people I talk about.
It sucks.

Yet at the same time, I know how to sit with the sucky-ness when it comes.
Throughout my journal, you'll see me talking to God about whatever, and see a totally random, "I miss Jayna" thrown in.
Because there are days when I feel whats missing.
But not everyday.

There was something about this last visit that made it harder to swallow.
Maybe it's because she used to live here. 
We have memories in my house.
My town.
She got to see some of my friends.
Meet up with some of her friends.

And then we hugged and said goodbye.
Goodbye with the knowledge that Korea is a lot farther the Hawaii.
Knowing that we might not see each other for a long time. 
Knowing that this-
these giggles
hugging during the tears
sharing make-up
sleeping in the same bed when we had two
singing
painting
feeling completely and perfectly at home
no need to entertain
nothing to hide or pretend
true and authentically being

is what I'm missing.
Now I go back to being friends to the girl in the screen, knowing she's so much more.

This is a kinda sad post.
And it's okay, because I'm kinda sad.

But you wanna know something?
Being sad really is okay.

And in this little grey cloud, I'm confident in my need for Jesus.
I need his love to continually pour over me.
I'm reminded of my infinite value because of his infinite grace.

This emptiness?
It's a side effect of our world.
These skin and bones are not my own.
This place?
It's not where I belong.

Monday, June 27, 2016

dressing room deductions


I stand in the small dressing room, my eyes surveying the clingy cotton
subconsciously analyzing every millimeter of my torso.

Third dressing room of the day, and the walls begin to choke me.
I'd been happy with nothing.

It all looked bad.
on me.
But not on the hanger.

It took a full 5.789 seconds to deduct 437 negative things about
the shirt
my 'bingo wings'
abs
hair
my life.

So I hung those two cotton shirts up on their plastic hangers
with full knowledge that feelings lie.
thoughts lie.
the mirror lies.

And I grabbed my purse and got out of there.

Today wasn't a great day to be adventurous.
And I'm okay with that.

I'm okay as long as I know that
feelings can be liars.
thoughts can be liars.
And the mirror can be a liar.


Thanks for dropping by! Please take a moment to leave a comment to let me know you were here. And if you like what you see, find me on Bloglovin', Google+, and Pinterest. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

All the Time


You know what?

 God is good, all the time.
All the time.

  Even when it's crazy overwhelming. Even when things aren't going the way you hoped, or thought. Even when it's hard. Or even when things are good.

God is good. All the time.

  I like to forget that. I forget that God's grace covers me when I am anxious.

I don't feel like everything is going my way, or is perfectly fair.
   
  I forget that I don't do the right things for the approval or rewards of others.

Sometimes I use lies to motivate me.

 I don't cover myself in God's love- instead I tell myself that God does love me, I just need to keep trying to be a good person.

I let myself run on my own steam.

I allow lies to control my actions.

 But you guys, God is good all the time.

He is good when I freak out over a casting list.
He is good when things aren't fair, and don't go the way I want.
He is good when I am overwhelmed.
He is good when I think more of others opinions, then of his.
He is good when life isn't.
He is good when I try to depend on my own strength.

He is good.

Slow yourself down this week. Remind yourself constantly that

God is good, when..................


Thank you so much for visiting Letters to Jayna. Please take a moment to check me out on Bloglovin' and Google+. Also, feel free to make my day and leave a comment!

Question: Do you ever struggle to know that God is good when..........?

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Our God is in Control


This is not how it should be

This is not how it could be

This is how it is


And our God is in control



When we finally will see


We'll see with our own eyes


He was always in control


And we will finally really understand what it means


So we'll sing holy, 


holy, 

holy is our God

While we're waitin
g for that day

When we started this journey

But this is where we are


And our God is in control


There will be sweetness forever


When we finally taste and see


That our God is in control


And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy,

 holy, 
holy is our God


While we're waiting for that day


We'll keep on waiting for that day


And we will rise


Our God is in control





This is not how it will be

And we'll sing holy,
 holy,
 holy is our God

This is not where we planned to be

Though this first taste is bitter

And we'll sing holy,
 holy, 
holy is our God

We're waiting for that day

(Holy, holy, holy) x2

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)




-Steven Curtis Chapman 
 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

This is the part where you find out who you are


 


This is when you learn to dance in the pouring rain.
  Now is when you learn to lean on God's grace
In your tears, you are able to choose bitterness or forgiveness
   This is when you overcome
Now is when you shape tomorrow
   This is the part where you find out who you are

There are things pulling at my heart that are not of God.
    Anger. Bitterness. Entitlement.
Every human reason to pitch a temper tantrum because Life isn't fair!!! sits in my heart. I want justice.

   "But Jesus was saying, Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing. And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. " -Luke 22:34

I don't have that kind of grace. And forgiveness? Yesh.
   I say I am a follower of Jesus; this is the part where I find out who I am.

-Elissa

Thank you so much for visiting Letters to Jayna; please take a moment to follow me on Google+ and Bloglovin. And don't forget to leave a comment!