Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Thursday, April 27, 2017

one day [thoughts on the now & then]



one day a light will click,
and all this waiting will make sense.
all your prayers and cries that you spoke
will finally have resolution.
you'll come to see that the pleas tangled in worries
were actually wrapped tightly in Gods grace.

one day you will wake up
and the fog will be lifted.
you'll look back and see that the valley was much bigger
and the hills much taller.

one day you'll remember the time when you thought everything was over.
even though you were certain,
you were actually, well...okay.
and although it was awful and confusing and the waitttinngggg,
this place you are
just happens to be right where you are suppose to be.

Monday, December 5, 2016

finding warmth in the darkness


I've built walls.
I've hidden skeletons and covered scars.
my walls are tall and strong;
they're ready to be torn down.

He wispers to me,
elissa, let me tear down your walls

but I am naked.
I am ashamed.

He says,
I have loved you at your darkest

I struggle to hear these words.
for I don't understand this amazing grace.

He calls me perfect,
beautiful child

yet I grip to guilt
and lies

He validates my pain,
and holds me tight.

my heart beats.
walls begin to melt.
a gift was given
 and darkness has no home.

I sit with this wonderful counselor.
the giver of all peace.

and I am held.
I am clothed in grace.
I am safe.
I am warm.
for today, I am held.

so I challenge you;
approach the king,
scared and broken.
for he knows your name,
and is ready to release you from all guilt and shame.
you are loved,
you perfect,
beautiful child.

please sit.
rest.
be covered.

for you are precious and held,
and today,
you will find warmth in your God.

Monday, October 24, 2016

I want a band-aid


My mind is a mess
turning
turning
turning

Swiched on at 3:00am,
yet of at 11:00am.

I want someone to put a band-aid on me.
Fix this mess.
Tape it back together.

But the second someone talks about how
God has a reason for everything
or
Just be thankful for the things you do have
or
Something good is going to happen

I freeze.

Not because I don't know these words to be true,
or because they aren't said sincerely enough.

I know those things are true.

I'm just not ready for them.
I'm not ready for the world to move on,
and act like nothing happened.

I'm trying to function like a normal human being,
but I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I want tape and glue.
I want someone to say something that fixes me.
I want God to make my world perfect and happy and unicorns and rainbows.
I want the band-aid.

But you know what?
I don't get the tape and glue.
I don't get an easy out.

We get feelings that demand to be felt.
We get people that love us, and are willing to listen.
We get support groups.
We get the dirty and the messy.
The ugly and the broken.

I'm humbled in my need for Jesus.
Because oh, how I need him.
I need him to hold me and protect my fragile heart.
I need him to give me words.
I need his grace and forgiveness.
I need him to be a rock that is higher than I.


Because someday, he will make all things new.

We aren't going to be broken fragments, glued back together.
There will be no more pain and sadness.

For the God of all heaven and earth will wipe away every tear from every eye.
And all things will be made new.

So today, I get the broken.
But I know that someday I will get the beautiful.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

the girl in the screen


I walk up to my room, empty of laughter and whispers, yet so full of things that call out their last use.

The paint brushes we used until 3:30am making water-color hand-lettering.
The chocolate cookies we ate compulsively.
Her cup of water.
A beautiful card that I still haven't actually read because I could only get two sentences in.
Two black flip-flops, one with a redneck contraption resulting from: first night of mission trip/long walk/broken shoe/hairband/a future engineer.
A pink notebook.

It's all petty and little and stupid.
She's moved before.
I've visited before.
We've done this.

In fact, we're almost pros at long distance friendship.
Our fb messaging game is beyond stellar.
Facetime is a regular occurrence and rarely lasts under an hour.
She knows what's happening.
I know what's happening.
We talk, and cry, and laugh together across a giant ocean.

Yes, it's hard not zipping to her house that's no longer 7 minutes away.
It's sad to miss each others races, concerts, recitals, shows, time after time after time. 
I hate not having sleepovers.
I hate not being able to have her meet the people I talk about.
It sucks.

Yet at the same time, I know how to sit with the sucky-ness when it comes.
Throughout my journal, you'll see me talking to God about whatever, and see a totally random, "I miss Jayna" thrown in.
Because there are days when I feel whats missing.
But not everyday.

There was something about this last visit that made it harder to swallow.
Maybe it's because she used to live here. 
We have memories in my house.
My town.
She got to see some of my friends.
Meet up with some of her friends.

And then we hugged and said goodbye.
Goodbye with the knowledge that Korea is a lot farther the Hawaii.
Knowing that we might not see each other for a long time. 
Knowing that this-
these giggles
hugging during the tears
sharing make-up
sleeping in the same bed when we had two
singing
painting
feeling completely and perfectly at home
no need to entertain
nothing to hide or pretend
true and authentically being

is what I'm missing.
Now I go back to being friends to the girl in the screen, knowing she's so much more.

This is a kinda sad post.
And it's okay, because I'm kinda sad.

But you wanna know something?
Being sad really is okay.

And in this little grey cloud, I'm confident in my need for Jesus.
I need his love to continually pour over me.
I'm reminded of my infinite value because of his infinite grace.

This emptiness?
It's a side effect of our world.
These skin and bones are not my own.
This place?
It's not where I belong.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

we fight to love

Jon Foreman, the lead vocalist of Switchfoot, once said that to be a lover, you have to be a fighter.

That in order to love, we have to battle against the things that rip us apart. 
The things that feed our guilt, and keep us up at night. 
The pressing force pushing us away from what is true and noble. 
We have to fight. 

For me, sometimes I have to fight for that tinny little wisper in my heart.
The voice that tells me to know how loved and valuable I am.
     The voice of joy.
Of peace. 
   Of hope.
I have to fight.

I have to fight to love my body.
I fight to love my nose and thighs and arms everyday.

 It's a fight to love the people who raise my blood pressure. 
Fighting for compassion and a still tongue is draining. 

I fight to love me, in all my inadequacy and failures. 

I have to fight to love my friends and family, 
 knowing that I am not the perfect child and friend. 

Everything lovey and noble, everything true and pure, has to be chased after. 
We have to fight against insecurity. 
Stand up against rage and annoyance. 
Push against the lies that around us.

And know

you are loved 
you are valuable
and you are not alone
  

Friday, April 1, 2016

in sickness and sunshine


I have been seriously sick with what I am confident was the black plague. My Easter was not spent wearing a cute little sundress, immaculately decorating eggs with so much detail they could easily be swapped with those on Pinterest. I didn't eat the Hungarian Dobos Torte that my aunt made and posted all over Facebook so I could look at it while I was sitting by the toilet. I was a heathen and didn't go to church. However, that might have been for the better because our church had a bunch of baptisms and I cry uncontrollably at baptisms.  

the dobos torte

Instead I've been consuming cough drops and adivil, every vitamin under the sun, and so much water that I pee every hour. It's exhausting peeing this much. 

But, on a less tmi topic, the yellow thing in the sky came out?!?! 
'what?' you gasp!
It took us Washingtonians a moment to remember what it was because...well...it's been a while. However, I quickly remembered and grabbed my tank-top and sunglasses before heading to my favorite local smoothie shop with the windows down. It may or may not have been 59 degrees. I explained I had been sick and needed something with lots of good vitamins pronto, and the lady gave me a cucumber grapefruit smoothie. Sound weird, but it was so yummy and lite. 

Now you want to try a cucumber and grapefruit smoothie. Your welcome.

Spending the past days (almost week) suffering with the black plague, I've contemplated life. 
You know. 
Laying in bed at 4:17am wondering why you never appreciated being able to breathe through your nostrils.  
Getting in a nice hot bath with a fever and then getting the chills. 
Asking what you did to deserve this near death experience.
 (okay, maybe it was just the flu but that is beside the point...)  

Over and over the past week, the phrase 
it was my sin that held Him there 
has been running, running, running through my head.

The miracle, the good news, the reason for my hope and life, was accomplished. 
                              His dying breath has brought me life. 
I live in the new life I have been given
                              I know that it is finished. 

Friends, let's choose to live together in the confidence knowing that it is finished. 
The work has been done.
Our ransom has been paid. 
There is nothing we can do be loved more then we are right now.

In sickness and sunshine, it is finished. 


Thanks for visiting Letters to Jayna today! Please take a moment to leave your name in the comment section below and let me know what you think- I reply to each and every one. Also, if you like what you see, please take a moment to find me on Google+, Bloglovin', and Pinterest. Have a wonderful day! 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

'15

 
 
 
I woke up in darkness surrounded by silence
Oh where, where have I gone?
I woke to reality losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me
I searched for You
What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong
'Cause I could feel the wind before it hits my skin
You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again, I'm alive again
'Cause I want You, yes, I want You, I need You
And I'll do whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You, yeah, I love You
You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again

-Alive Again
Matt Maher
 
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Sunday, September 6, 2015

All the Time


You know what?

 God is good, all the time.
All the time.

  Even when it's crazy overwhelming. Even when things aren't going the way you hoped, or thought. Even when it's hard. Or even when things are good.

God is good. All the time.

  I like to forget that. I forget that God's grace covers me when I am anxious.

I don't feel like everything is going my way, or is perfectly fair.
   
  I forget that I don't do the right things for the approval or rewards of others.

Sometimes I use lies to motivate me.

 I don't cover myself in God's love- instead I tell myself that God does love me, I just need to keep trying to be a good person.

I let myself run on my own steam.

I allow lies to control my actions.

 But you guys, God is good all the time.

He is good when I freak out over a casting list.
He is good when things aren't fair, and don't go the way I want.
He is good when I am overwhelmed.
He is good when I think more of others opinions, then of his.
He is good when life isn't.
He is good when I try to depend on my own strength.

He is good.

Slow yourself down this week. Remind yourself constantly that

God is good, when..................


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Question: Do you ever struggle to know that God is good when..........?

Sunday, August 16, 2015

today




Today, I arise with a grateful heart.
The sound of rain reminds me of the storms I have been pulled out of.

I choose to give thanks, and rejoice in this day.
I choose to look for God's gifts to me.

I will remind myself of the never failing love I have received,
and do my best to dispense it to those around me.

Today is a gift.
You have filled my lungs with life.
You beckoned me from dark, to light.

And I choose to give thanks.

Warm nights gazing at the stars.
Good friends filling the kitchen with laughter.
Snuggles from a sleeping 4 year old.

   Your heart fills me.
       Your love surrounds me.

Who am I?

Who am I God, to receive these gifts?

I will worship you today.
Fully
Passionately

I will surrender my schedules, my agenda, my goals.
  I trust that your plans are better then my

You will give me joy, when I align myself with your character.
You will give me strength when I cry out to you.
You will answer my unspoken needs.

Today, I will find you in the little things.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Cleaning the Floors- Part Two

 
On day two we served dinner to the homeless of Portland. It was a lot calmer then breakfast had been, as we had a significantly less number of people (but still a lot!) Before dinner, Union Gospel Mission does a church service with music and a speaker. We were told to sand as people came in, as to not take up seats.
 
  As I was standing, I got a awkward feeling about me. Watching these people come in, seeing their plastic bags, smelling the drugs, and feeling my heart break. God hit me, reminding me that these are his people. It was so humbling to share in a tiny, little piece of others lives, and for the street friends to allow us to witness their truly vulrible state.
 
  And I thought about how judged I would feel if a group of teenagers sat in the back, watching my every move.
 
I found myself in the partially inhabited front row, singing 90's worship songs.
I found myself wondering about all the emotion in the room.
What I would be feeling if the tables were turned.
How raw we sat before God.
Some in disbelief. Others in awe.
These are Jesus's friends.
 

 
In a calm moment, I sat at a table chatting with a few of the street friends. This woman, she reminded me of someone.
 
It was the woman on the floor.
  Yet she wasn't dirty- she had a fresh shirt on. Clean hair. Dirt-less nails.
I thanked Jesus for cleaning this woman. For cleaning the floors.
And we began a conversation.  We both care to much about what others think; we both try too hard to please everyone. We share a second child position, yet we have different numbers of siblings. I asked her if I could pray for her once again, and if there was anything unparticular I could pray for.
 
  She asked if I could pray for safety. She looked me in the eye and told me she had been raped so many times, and if I could pray that it would lesson, that would be great.
 
Rape.
 
  How many oceans of pain could this have created?
 
I tear up as I type this. Not because "it showed me homeless people are real people too," or something equally dumb. But because it still hits me. It still makes my heart skip a beat. It reminds me that we are surrounded my pain, and this life will be full of it.
 
  So I cried out to God. It was the first time I have ever been angry with God, and it wasn't happy. I asked him how he could allow this to happen. I asked why this evil, this pain, this heaviness that I feel so deeply could be tolerated by my loving and just God. Why could this happen?
 
  God held me in his hand as I cried out to him. He let me yell and scream and feel the feelings I needed to feel. But he calmed my heart. He gave me comfort.
 
We sung of this Jesus, and his heart for his kids.
     Others shared the heaviness of what we had witnessed and herd.
 
It was beautiful.
 
 It was beautiful because the Holy Spirit was fully alive in us.
Because we are His.
Because he has filled us with life.  

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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Watch out Hawaii!


In 21 days I'm going to be sailing across the ocean to visit my long lost friend in Hawaii. We will get to spend 7 days of sunny, tropical bliss, doing what best friends do. I get to meet Jayna's sweet, little baby sister Annalee, whisper all night in her bedroom, and go shopping. Shaved ice is certainly on the agenda, and we also get to celebrate her 16th birthday. In case you haven't noticed, I am pretty excited!

 What I am most looking forward to though, is seeing my friend.

{Jayna and her mom}

The past two and a half years have been long, and kind of lonely without my partner in crime 10 minutes away. My posts were long an sappy and depressing in the months after you left. A lot of sad things did happen right around that time, but I was also covering myself in doubt.

I felt like my hear was being ripped up, and God wasn't stopping it. I remember crying out to God, asking him why he was taking all these people away from me; people that I loved deeply. It was sad; although I see and know that God was walking through those situations, I still don't understand the bigger picture.

 Sometimes that's how it goes.
We question our circumstances.
Our boats are rocked, and we wonder why this happening.

Even though I do finally get to see my friend, I still have no idea what God is doing.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next. But I know that it's gonna end up awesome.



 So now I'm curious. Have you had a situation where you questioned your circumstances? How did it turn out?

Hey, thanks so much for dropping by Letters to Jayna! Feel free to leave me a comment and let me know what you think. And if you like what you see, take a moment to follow me on Google+, Bloglovin, and Blogger. Have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

730 Days

730 days ago I gave you a hug.
     A long, but oh-too-short hug.

And in these 730 days I have done lots of things.
I started high school.
I watched my aunt die.
I've spent a lot of nights dancing.
A lot of mornings dressing.
A lot of school days working.

  I've won two science fairs.
I've practically failed Algebra out of laziness.
  I read To Kill a Mockingbird which is my new favorite book.
I've been to sleepovers, learned to drive, and re-organized my room.
 
  I've danced in weird, extremely long performances,
toured collages with my older sister, and celebrated the baby of the families 9th birthday.

It's been joyful and beautiful, messy and complicated, lonely and full.

 The past 730 days have sucked up energy, motivation, perseverance, and grace, only to have God fill me when I ask.

  I have asked and revived.
I have forgiven, and been unjustly forgiven.
   I have been judged, and judged others.
I have cried out to God asking for direction.

Life has moved on.
Storms have passed.
Sunshine has radiated.

Rain has fallen
and flowers have grown.

 
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned in life; it goes on."
                               -Robert Frost

God is faithful, and has unending love.
He will guide our steps.


Monday, January 19, 2015

Overwhelmed with Love

Yesterday, the internet blew up. I could tell who lived in Washington State by Facebook statuses. Screaming at the TV was pretty common during the football game between the Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay.   Seattle was behind, and was getting whopped on. Then, in the last two minutes they scored two touchdowns, ting the game they eventually won.  It was amazing. If your sitting, reading like "Why the heck is Elissa writing about football for heavens sake" stay with me.

If your new to the blog, I don't really write football commentary's. I write about ballet and coffee. And God. But there was something that happened at the end of this game, I cried. I seriously cried over a football game. (Not like sob cry's, but like, a few tears slipping down my face cried)

The quarter back was crying and the end of the game, and when he was asked about it by the news, he said, "I am just so overwhelmed. God is so faithful........God is so good."

And that's when I cried  teared up.

You guys, even when we lose, God is faithful. Even when life sucks, God is still good. His character doesn't change with our circumstances. His love is the same at every single stinking moment of your life. He is SO GOOD. So faithful. He is our rock, and we will not be shaken.
 -Elissa

Monday, September 8, 2014

February 14

            The following is a journal entry I wrote February 14, 2013:

God, this one goes to Jayna;
May her travels be smooth
May she be able to say goodbye peacefully and calmly
May she have a peaceful heart about where she is going
My you bless the house that they move into; will you fill it with joy, with laughter, warmness, hospitality, and a welcoming glow.
May it me a place where Jayna can grow in her independence
May the dance studio be filled with the love of dance
May it be a place were dreams are formed, and grown rather then cut down and shattered.
May it be a place of calmness, and a place where Jayna will be able to worship you with her dance.
May it be a place where Jayna can remove herself from the dramas and stresses of life, and be a place that she will feel your peace in.
May the teachers there see all of the talent you have given her, and may they see how hard she has worked these last few years.
May they enjoy having her in each class, and may she be a fresh breath of newness to the studio.
May the teachers help her grow in her dancing, rather then slowing her down.
May the teachers give her dreams and goals, and Lord, may the girls welcome her and treat her kindly.
May they help her figure things out in a way that is honoring to you.
May they enjoy there company and want to hang out with her.
Lord, may you help them see what a great friend she is.


              God, please hear my prayers. Please God.
__________________________________________________________________________


 Out of all the praying I did for you before you moved, this was one that I wrote out. I was scared for you; that everything would be a disaster, and Hawaii would be a horrible experience. I prayed and prayed about it, because I wanted God to protect you from anything bad that might happen.


But you know what? Hard stuff still happened.
Three dance studios, and a lot of tears latter, you made the decision to quit dance.
    I asked God why was this happening to you? Did he not hear my prayers? Was I wrong in asking for all this? Why were people so mean and discouraging to you?


At the time of your decision, I really supported that. It was the right thing to do.


  But why was God telling you to quit something that had given you so much joy? Was it to much of a idol, and taking your focus of Him? Was it controlling your emotions to much? Where you so post to be doing something else, or tough it out?


I don't think it was an idol, and I don't think it had much power over your emotions. Yet I don't think you were meant to be toughing it out either. So why was there all that drama, when my prayer was seaming to be met with a no?


This is why: http://letters-to-elissa.blogspot.com/2014/09/restored.html


  You needed to be restored. You had to experience hard, hard things in order to be restored.


When we talked on the phone after that first class, I was tearing up. Not just because I was so happy for you (which I was!), but because God said yes.


  He was doing what I asked Him to do over a year and a half ago. He was planning this before I asked; before you where born.


That prayer was written on Valentines day; a day about love. Valentines day is celebrated by showing love between people; but does God limit to showing His love just on Valentines day? Nope, nope, nope and no. God is the ultimate example of love, because God is love.  He is a loving God.


 He wasn't sitting up there looking forward to hard stuff coming your way; He was sitting up there with the knowledge that your life would be an example of His love. What a amazing thing to be.


  My friend, the word restored is a good word. A very, very good word. :)


     Love,
                 Elissa


Question: When was a time you felt like God wasn't being loving?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

One Year

 
 


Tuesday, April 15, 2013 was the day.
The day written all calendars, with dread mixed up with anticipation.
   The day the car pulled into the driveway, and "Jayna and Skyler, your dad is here," was yelled up the stair case.
   So we walked all over the house, making sure you wouldn't leave anything.
Stalling, really.
  And out into the driveway we walked.
Loaded stuff into the car.
Said goodbye to Lilly and Wyatt.
     And then.....it couldn't be stalled any longer.
We had to say goodbye.
 
It was hard, but is wasn't really a goodbye. It was more of a 'see you later'.
    Because even though it's been a year, it wasn't the end. It's was a beginning of a bigger story; one that hasn't been finished.
   I don't know what will happen, but our friendship has still continued to grow and change. I would be lying if I didn't say I miss how it used to be, but I am excited to find out what happens next.
 
   kisses your way
 
     -Elissa

Saturday, December 21, 2013

christmas blues



                                              
Dear Jayna,
 So Christmas is here, again.
And it comes with party's to go to, gifts to buy, and food to make.
All on top of a room to clean, school to do, and recitals to survive.
Add in friend drama, stomach flu, and a girl who tries to do it all.
And Christmas.....well.....is just kind of there.  Not very much piazza.
        
  God, why is Christmas like this, for me this year? Like, why am I so.....well, kinda depressed.

     And even though I am trying to put on my just keep-going-and-everything-will-be-fine kinda look, stuff just looms there.  Nutcracker was  hard to survive: and I miss you, I miss my aunt, and I miss my Awana leader who died of cancer. it just kind of hangs over me, like a little sadness cloud.

And you know what God, the Lord of the entire universe, has to keep reminding me, his stupid little sheep?
  
                                                   Elissa, it is ok to feel sad.
                                  it is ok to say that things have been a little rough.
                      you are allowed to sit with your feelings. Because your daddy, your
                                        savoir, the one who rescued you from the darkness,
                             Loves you.
you. you you  you  you  you  you  you  you  you  you & you
 
   
You, the girl who yells at her mom.
You, who is mad at your brother for nocking over your nightstand, therefore creating a mess that was never cleaned up.
You, the girl that is jealous at her friends.
You, who is a angry, selfish, stressed, moody, and hormonal human being.
you.

                          I am not very good at remembering that.

And this Christmas, I am feeling God's love. And his amazing, never-stopping, always and forever love.
 And that Jayna, is what this whole Christmas thing is all about.
                                           
                                                Elissa
 

Friday, September 27, 2013

Nutcracker withdraw symptoms

 Dear Jayna,




So, the Nutcracker season has officially begun.
And being on this side of the picture is incredibly weird.
Not doing it.  Not seeing your own personal name on the cast list.
No screaming, yelling, crying;  no power. 
The cast list has nothing to do with me this year. And the thought of "what would I have gotten?'
has crossed my mind many times, but nothing compared to the number of times the thought, 'what will I get?'  crossed my mind last year. And the year before. And the year before that.
Because when I traveled to the Land of Sweets more Decembers then I hadn't, slowly I began to loose perspective.
When I was in first grade, my very first year in The Nutcracker I was a bon-bon. And the biggest annoyance to me was that I had to wear this little cough drop looking costume. And a matching cough drop baby bonnet that always made me summer salt side ways, instead of straight. That was it. It didn't matter what I got, what others got, or what the teachers thought.
And I want that again Jayna.
I want to enjoy the show. I want to do a nice job. I want my friends to be happy with what they get.
But I cant. Not when I cry myself to sleep after seeing the cast list. Not when I feel jelous at other dancers. Not when I ignore my friends because I care so much about what the teachers think and say.

God brought me to a spot and let me know that it was my choice. And I could put my worth and value in Him, or in some other thing that I have no control over.
 And you know what that choice was, and girl you were one of the biggest things that encouraged me to make the decision. And you so get this.

  So here I am, sitting in the mist of Nutcracker withdraw symptoms.  And it's ok.
 It really is.
                                    Love,
                                                Elissa

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A little thing called hope....

               Dear Jayna,
 Hey, I know you are getting perfect tanning weather at the moment so don't judge me BUT it has been s-u-n-n-y here for the past 3 ish days. Like sunny and warm. And we have been outside swimming and tanning and drinking lemonade. No, not that warm. 65. We have been more like running around from place to place dropping thing 3 here, thing 1 there, thing 2 (me) over there. sigh.
 
          Honestly; we miss you a lot.
  I keep thinking about all the things we we going to do together; all the things that we had talked about. I know you are not hear and all but......as silly as it sounds, I keep forgetting. Forgetting that I can't go over to your house before ballet. Forgetting that I can't ask you about how your dance is coming along. Forgetting that you can't babysit with me. Forgetting that no, we can't have a sleepover Friday night. Forgetting that you won't be there on Sunday morning. Ugg.
   I tried to imagine what it would be like when you were gone; I couldn't understand what it would be like. But mainly I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to think about all the things we couldn't do, about all the things that you wouldn't be here for, all the hugs that you wouldn't be able to give me. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, and I didn't want to. We had a lot of fun in your last month or so here; we really made the most of it. Sleepovers, extra long phone calls (and we are talking llllooooonnnggg), gifts.  But then all of the sudden you packed up and rolled out of our driveway; for the last time for awhile. And boy oh boy, it didn't seam real. We had just had a 48 hour sleepover (a.k.a crazy fun) and you were about to leave on this exciting trip. It was going to be at times scary: but a lot of fun. We had planed this all out.
           
        But even though we planed this, it kinda hurts. Kinda a lot.
Like wondering what the heck just happened, kinda hurt.
 But you know what is left?
                   
 
 
         
     Hope that this hurt will heal. 
      That this time of crazyness will pass.
        Hope that your heart will find peace.
         And, most of all hope that God knows what he is doing.
           Cuz He sure better.
 
                                  Love
                                          Elissa