Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

hey God, it's me, elissa.


Why can't I just learn all the life lessons already?
Like, seriously God.
All this waiting and unknown is getting kinda old; can't you just tell me what you're thinking?

I know dependence on you is a good lesson and all, but I was kind of hoping to be done with it by now.

Maybe we could move on to joy?
Or, say, faithfulness?
I could settle for a real good conviction on teaching Sunday school twice a month, as opposed to once a month.

God, I'd appreciate some clear "how to" manuals, if that isn't too much to ask.
Yeah, the Bible is awesome and all...
but I'm not exactly finding the answers I was looking for.

You see, I was looking for closure on some trauma.
I looked and it told me that trauma is part of the broken world,
and you hold me in every situation.

I was hoping you could take my guilt from me,
but the Bible said that I needed to lay it at your feet.

I asked about a situation that I would like to stay silent in
 (hint: I was looking for some backup)
But then the Bible said something about speaking truth loudly, which wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.

So okay, fine.
 I'll try to learn grace and contentment and peace and self-sacrifice.
I'll remember: your will. not mine. 

But if you happen to change your mind, feel free to drop of that instruction manual.
It's the second mailbox.  

Thursday, July 14, 2016

the QUOTE TAG


The chair massages my back,
while the skin on my feet is saturated with lotion.
I ask the pedicurist to stop right before she removes my callouses, as they prevent many painful blisters from my pointe shoes.

She replies, "You no boyfriend?"

"No, no boyfriend."

i tag

_________________________________________________________________________

thanks for the tag Vanessa! (go check her out!)

Sunday, March 20, 2016

coffee makes me a better person


I believe coffee makes me a better person.


I wake up each morning, clad in eclectic ensembles of yoga pants and gruby undershirts. Sometimes my roots are covered in oil, bobby pins falling out from last night's bun. Other times it’s a crazy cloud of curls surrounding my makeupless face. No matter what my zombie like presence resembles as I stagger across the room to turn off my alarm, I know I have two choices. I can sit in the heatless, bright, horrible morning and begin to brace myself for the 18 hours to come. Or I can crawl back into my cocoon of pillows, all warm and safe. Slip back into my subconscious.  


Usually I apply every single ounce of self control to making the mature decision. The decision to leave my throne of peace.


Then I find myself shivering in the quited house, slapping on war paint. I cover my pimples, and slap on some eyeliner. Then I coat my eyelashes in copious amounts of mascara, almost to the point where I’m just globbing it. I love mascara. Next I pick out my outfit. And if I was the responsible person my mother taught me to be, I would have it hanging on a hanger, ready to go. But no. Instead I stare at my closet for roughly five minutes, my brain clouded in sleep. After all, this is taking mental capacity.

After I have thrown on something because of my lack of time, I finally make it to the coffee. Warm, rich, flavorful bliss. And as I do whatever I must do while sipping calm, I transform from beast to beauty.  

  

Saturday, February 13, 2016

39 thoughts



  1. uhhh, why am I so tried 
  2. oh right, I didn't really sleep last night
  3. I am always in a perpetual state of tiredness
  4. like whenever anyone asks me how I am, I'm tired 
  5. It's a little weird
  6. But coffee is good
  7. so that kinda makes up for the tiredness
  8. but.....
  9. I need to stop spending so much money on coffee
  10.  Its so bad
  11. especially now that I can drive
  12. because I can stop whenever I want
  13. and for food
  14. which is worse because I'm going to weigh 200lbs by June
  15. great
  16. Cramp
  17. wait, was that a actual cramp?!?
  18. It cant be
  19. IT JUST ENDED
  20. yup, this is definitely a cramp
  21. whhhhhyyyyyyyyyy 
  22. I hate this
  23. I want to watch a movie
  24. why did I just eat all that chocolate
  25. what the heck tomorrow's valentines day I can eat what I want
  26. yeah!
  27. I'm all stiff and achy with my tired headache
  28. but hooray for yoga pants
  29. and these ones are really comfy
  30. so soft and so sleek
  31. I want more chocolate but I also want real food
  32. why must life be so hard
  33. And why do I have all this school to do
  34. and why did no one buy me tickets to my absolute favorite ballet that is going on right now 
  35. the injustice.
  36. They should make a law banning school on the weekends
  37. Because I cant remember the last time I didn't do school on a weekend
  38. that is so sad. 
  39. Sniff.
 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Hairy Legs are the Fruit of Singleness

I had a life-changing moment today.

I went to roll up my tights between dance classes and I realized I had the legs of a chimpanzee.
"No," you think to yourself as you read this. "She's just a giant exaggerator."
I beg to differ.

I showed it to one of my sweet and sensitive friends who promptly replied with "Oh wow. Wow."
Not, "Oh, it's not that bad," or the classic, "I could only see it if I looked supper closely."
No. 
"Oh wow."

I almost send a picture to my friend, only to realized it is almost a half inch long.
A freaking half inch long.
In my defense, we have been out of shaving cream and I refuse to use soap to shave my legs.
buttttt........I also absolutely detest shaving me legs so yeah

And then the thought occurred to me.
"What if I'm single because I currently have hairy legs?"
"What if I have no valentine because my calves could be mistaken for those of a woolly mammoth?"

As the panic rushed through my veins, I assured myself that I'm not single because I currently have hairy legs. And although my chimpanzee legs may be a bit frightening, I don't think my hairy legs are the cause of my lack-of-boyfriend.
They are the fruit of my lack-of-boyfriend.


"What?!?!?!? Well shave those legs you single Pringle," you may say as Febuary 14th quickly approaches. "That will get you ready to mingle in no time!"

But hey, you know what else is the fruit of my singleness?
Extreme chocolate consumption.
Decent grades.
Close girlfriends.
The ability to watch all the rom-com and musicals I want.

 
  This Valentines day I'm celebrating the amazing love of Jesus, chocolate, and hairy legs.
Care to join me?


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
                  Thanks for visiting Letters to Jayna! Please take a moment to comment and let me know you were here! Also, if you like what you see, feel free to follow my crazy ramblings on Blogger, Google+, Bloglovin', and Pinterest. Blessings!                                  

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Awkward and awesome: round two


Awesome: Christmas was lovely and warm and cozy. And I hit my yearly jackpot because my birthday and Christmas are both in December.

Awkward: So I'm browsing the aslies of Nordstrom Rack waiting for my extremely slow parents, and I see my friend David. So I start to walk over to say hi, but being the stupid person I am, I decide to take a picture just in case it's not him. Bad idea. I'm being supper stealth (or so I thought) because suddenly he looks up and says, "Do you have a problem or something?" And I went, "Oh I am so sorry! I though you were a friend and I was trying to be funny, I'm so sorry!" The guy replies, "Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean I look like everyone else."
So. So. So. Embarrassing.

Awesome: I've got a youth retreat coming up that I'm really looking forward to. Because of my dance schedule, I've only been able to attend one youth group this year. So I'm excited to escape the craziness of life for three days.

Awkward: Currently I have three giant pimples and a few small, yet prominent, other pimples. It. Is. Terrible. Every time someone looks at me, all they see are the giant red mountains on my face. Oh yeah, and I ran out of concealer. Grrr.

And that wraps up this awkward post!

Thanks for vising Letters to Jayna! Please take a  moment to leave a comment and let me know what you think. Also, take a moment to find me on Pimterest, Bloglovin', and Google+!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Awkward and Awesome: Round One



Hello everyone! I've decided to start doing a "Awkward and Awesome" post every few weeks. (a.k.a. every few months...) Basically, I'll catch you up on all my awkward and awesome happenings. Like the time I peed my pants on a hike with a bunch of kids or when or when I was pretty sure the dental assistant thought I was illiterate... so here we go!

Awkward: I was at a costume fitting for party scene in The Nutcracker, and I had tried on about fifty-billion different dress/skirt/jacket combinations. It was outfit variation 50,000,000,001 and I stood staring in the mirror while taking to the costume mistress. "I don't know, it's fine if you like it," I told her. "I guess I just think it's a little plain Jane." I promptly turned around to find not only the costume mistress, but our artistic director who's name is Jane. Ahem.

Awesome:  What's awesome?  Well, I totally didn't fail my chemistry exam that I was sure I had. And even thought I'm just generally better at math based sciences, I am still terrified to mention any of my quiz or exam grades. Because every one is brilliant. There are no kids that turn it late homework or procrastinate on studying. They are all so smart. And then there's me.

Awkward: Apparently all my awkward things have to do with Nutcracker. So we have new marzipan costumes this year. Yep. There basically a blue version of the costume Sandra Bullock wears in Miss Congeniality for her talent. Without the wedding decorations on her arms.
Here is a visual aid:

Uh-hmm. And I bet the girls that previously wore them were five foot eleven and ninety pounds, because they are t-i-g-h-t.  Let's just say that nothing is going anywhere. And I'm going to leave it at that. 

Awesome:  It's almost December, and December is my-most-favoriteist month of the year. Warm fires, way too much chocolate on my hands, Tchaikovsky, Amy Grant and Michael Buble playing constantly. Nutcracker, my birthday, Christmas, and time shared with friends. Oh, yeah, and I will be  licensed driver! 

And that just about wraps up round one of Awkward and Awesome. So now I'm curious: what are your resent awkward and awesome moments? 

Thanks for visiting Letters to Jayna! Please take a moment to leave a comment and let me know what you think. Also, feel free to find me on Bloglovin', Google+ and Blogger! Happy reading! 

Friday, September 11, 2015

my pee hike

I am the queen of embarrassing situations. Hardly a week goes by without something awkward happening to me. So today, in honor of school starting up, I thought I would share one of my top embarrassing stories. :)

  I was hanging out with my friend Elizabeth (who blogs here) and she got invited to go on a hike with some kids from the place we take classes at. A *special person* was going, and it was pretty much mandatory we showed up. Well, that she show up, and I would be a tag-a-long.

  We got to the trail head, where a few kids from school (upper classman) and some older siblings, various girl friend/boy friends ect. were, before we headed out. The hike was on a steep incline, and took a while to get to the top. Once we finally made it up to a beautiful view of the valley, everyone just hung out and drank water.

  I had a problem; nature was calling. Because it had taken significant effort to make it too the top, we couldn't exactly run back down. Being the friend I am, I dragged Elizabeth over behind a rock to watch for anyone, while I pulled my pants down and started peeing. Two seconds later Elizabeth loud-whispered, "Abort! Abort! Abort!"

  This left me with two options- one, finish and totally moon whoever was coming over, or option two, franticly pull up my pants and try to stop peeing.

I opted for option two.

  A few kids had come over to ask what we were up to, ("Just enjoying the view") and plopped down. While, this would have been fine if I had been finished, but I wasn't. Standing there, wet jeans and all, we chatted with them about the hike. We must have been pretty popular because more and more people started migrating over to where we were.

  Pretty soon a junior, who happens to think he's the coolest thing that ever happened to the world, came and sat down. Right where I had just peed.

"Gosh, the ground is kinda damp right here."
     "Weird."

Thursday, May 7, 2015

10 Rather Unusual Facts About Me

  1. I have been chased by a moose.*
  2. I died a part of my hair hot pink (temporarily!) at my very first youth event in 7th grade. I know. So rebellious. 
  3. I have a weird fetish about burping- it totally grosses me out!
  4. I was born in a ambulance on the freeway
  5. When my big sister and I were little we would fill our t-shirt up with sand from our sand box and act like we were pregnant. Surprisingly, our parents didn't find this nearly us funny as we did. 
  6. Even though I have gnarly dancer feet I wear flip-flops all the time. 
  7. I wouldn't mind marring a Australian. Just throwing that out there. 
  8. I hate hate hate gardening. Mainly, I can not stand pulling weeds. Killing my back to puck little jerks out of the ground that are going to grow back next week isn't my idea of fun. 
  9. I always feel uncomfortable when people ask me if I like my teacher. Umm, she cooked me for nine months inside of her body, changed my poopy diapers, wiped my sandy nose, has served as my short order cook, and gives me a hug every single morning. But what kind of teacher won't let you dissect a sheep heart on her kitchen table?
  10. I play the violin- and not very many people know that. So shhhh.
So now I'm curious- what are some weird facts about you? 

*I'm just going to leave this up to your imagination.

Thank you so much for visiting Letters to Jayna- I'm so glad you stopped by! If you like what you've seen, please take a moment to follow my on Google+ and Bloglovin. And don't forget to leave a comment!

Friday, March 20, 2015

week 15- You're a dancer when....


Hello friends! Today I wanted to share some of my favorite "You know you're a dancer when.." quotes. Let me know what I'm missing! 









Thank you so much for visiting me at Letters to Jayna- please take a moment to follow me on Bloglovin and Google+. And don't forget to leave a comment! 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

29 Thoughts I Had This Weekend


1. Horrayyyyyyy!!!!
2. I made it!
3. Cramp
4. Crap.
5. There is no way I'm going to spend the weekend cramping
6. Advil sounds like  plan
7. Heating pads are good
8. It's really cold.
9. How am I going  to think if it's cold
10. Why do they make kids do a certain number of hours doing school?
11. Technically, couldn't your parents just forge your high school diploma?
12. I wish my parents were sneaky like that
13. But then I would be really dumb
14. Dumber then I am now
15. Can you fake smart?
16. I don't think so
17. Some homeschoolers are no schoolers
18. They don't really do anything
19. Maybe I should check Facebook instead of send this important e-mail
20. I don't think it's that big of a deal
21. I just see if I have any updates
20. Wait.
21. That's her new profile picture?
22. Wowzers
23. Quite the hpmm-boob-cough picture
24. Oooooohhhhhhhh, BuzzFeed quiz
25. I wonder what type of car suits my personality the best
26. No way
27. That's not right
28. I need to take it again
29. Ohhhhhhhhhh, another quiz!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Because we all love the dentist.....

So here I am, against my wishes, sitting in a pink room with florescent lights. The books to scare children into brushing and flossing are on my right, and the dental tools are on my left.
The dental assistant comes in to plop me back. She pulls out a pair of incredibly ugly sunglasses that don't fit at all, hands them to me and pulls the light down by my mouth.


  "Open up," she says as she clamps my mouth open with those scissor-like-things, until my jaw is about to crack.


  "So, what grade are you in school?" "unth"
"What?"  "Unth!"
"Please try to keep your tongue still."
"So, do you have any hobbies outside of school?"
"allet"
"Hmmm?"
"Allet"
"Honey, I really need you to keep your mouth still."
"Uph"


*Places arm over my face to get a better look inside my mouth*
"Please try to breathe through your nose, and not your mouth."
"Umhm"
breathe through your nose Elissa. In. Out. In. Out....wait, am I breathing through my mouth or my nose? Uh-oh.
"Sweetie, try to breath through your nose, okay? Thanks."
"Aw hn eth am I uspt to uth ohh uy ose?"
"What?"
"Umm. Uver ind."


"Honey, remember to not breathe through your nose."


And that's how the dentist went.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

5 ways to avoid embarrissing situations

  1.  Get out of the habit of saying, "Bye, I love you!", when you get of the phone. Or you end up like me in 7th grade, on the phone with a boy saying..."Okay, sounds good. Bye, I love you! I mean, no, I don't love you. I mean, I like you but I don't love you, but I don't like you like that you know, and okay bye." Supper, supper embarrassing.
  2. Always eat well when you are taking long car rides. Look out the window. Try not to get car sick. Because you don't want to end up washing vomit out of your hair in a gas station bathroom. After you barfed out the window while going 70mph on a highway. I'm not even making that up.
  3. Hold in bodily functions during long silences.  Third grade me was taking a summer ballet class with a bunch of middle and high school students who I looked-up-to-oh-so-much. When all the sudden a l-o-u-d, g-r-o-s-s, ripping sound comes from my general direction. 
  4. Know when people are coming over to your house. Lets get one thing straight- I don't do too well in the morning. I'm not very friendly in the morning. So when I drag myself down stairs, wearing questionable attire, make-up smudges all  over my face, and crazy morning hair pilled atop of my head, I really don't want to answer the door. Especially to the 17 year old boy that I need to test for my science project.
  5. Don't put big globs of peanut butter in your mouth!! Scene- All the winners of a short story contest sitting around a table eating lunch. One by one, we go around the table talking about of story to this author who is eating with us. My pea brain- 'Elissa, there are two people before you have to talk. Have another few bites.' Now that could have been fine if I had soup or something. But no; of corse I have the supper natural, gloopy, thick, peanut butter with a hard whole wheat bagel. I take a bite. I start to chew. Only to find that there is absolutely no way that bagel with peanut butter is going anywhere. But you know- you can always run out of the room, spit it out in a garbage can, rush back in, and begin to talk about your story.
Trust me on these. I speak from experience.


-Elissa
Question- What are your most embarrassing moments?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

My exact thoughts on Oral Reports

Dear Jayna,

  Yes, I understand public speaking is a lot of people's greatest fear.....
Not mine, friends.

    So prepare yourself to have a moment in my brain, courtesy of Baby Blues

 
 

              
                    Yes, I thought it was funny too:-)

Friday, March 28, 2014

Oh wait; breathing is good!

Dear Jayna,

  On Tuesday, a lady came to watch our ballet class. She came in about 20 minutes into the hour and a half class. She  was about 5' 1". She had a Russian accent. And no one had any idea what she was doing there. So she sat. And watched.
  And we then did the next logical thing: freaked out. Silently. And we started working really, supper, hard, while silently wishing we had done out hair nice, or warn tights without holes in them.

Oh, did I mention that she sat right in front of me? Yeah. She pretty much scared the snot out of me.
   While were at the barre, her eyeballs were burning holes into my feet (okay fine. She was looking at other people's feet too. It felt like she was looking at just mine though.)
  I was nervous. So I forgot to take a breath...... or two.
Mr. Weaver had to come over three times and pretend to fix my feet or whatever. But he was really whispering under his breath: "Elissa. Breath!"
   So yeah. That is what happened on Tuesday.


Believe it or not, writing this is something that I want to do. Not something that I guilt tripped myself into doing. It feel's kind of weird.

  Yep, and that tell's you something about my past few weeks. Doing allot of things: all essentially "good' things. But I have done so much, and it all kinda lost the fun affect, and instead gave the stress affect. And stress does some pretty weird things to me.
It makes me emotional. Like, supper emotional over stupid things.
It makes me feel pressured. I feel like I have to do everything perfectly, and drive myself crazy trying to do everything as good as I possibly can.
And, it makes me grumpy. I forget that the whole world doesn't know how stressed I am. And I think I should get a get out of jail free card (which I really deserve).

  Yeah, so spring break pretty much here. And maybe we will get a bunch of sun:)
But I have kinda been forgetting to breath lately. So that is my goal for spring break.
            breathing.

What are your goal's for spring?
  
       Love
             -Elissa