Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts

Saturday, August 6, 2016

the girl in the screen


I walk up to my room, empty of laughter and whispers, yet so full of things that call out their last use.

The paint brushes we used until 3:30am making water-color hand-lettering.
The chocolate cookies we ate compulsively.
Her cup of water.
A beautiful card that I still haven't actually read because I could only get two sentences in.
Two black flip-flops, one with a redneck contraption resulting from: first night of mission trip/long walk/broken shoe/hairband/a future engineer.
A pink notebook.

It's all petty and little and stupid.
She's moved before.
I've visited before.
We've done this.

In fact, we're almost pros at long distance friendship.
Our fb messaging game is beyond stellar.
Facetime is a regular occurrence and rarely lasts under an hour.
She knows what's happening.
I know what's happening.
We talk, and cry, and laugh together across a giant ocean.

Yes, it's hard not zipping to her house that's no longer 7 minutes away.
It's sad to miss each others races, concerts, recitals, shows, time after time after time. 
I hate not having sleepovers.
I hate not being able to have her meet the people I talk about.
It sucks.

Yet at the same time, I know how to sit with the sucky-ness when it comes.
Throughout my journal, you'll see me talking to God about whatever, and see a totally random, "I miss Jayna" thrown in.
Because there are days when I feel whats missing.
But not everyday.

There was something about this last visit that made it harder to swallow.
Maybe it's because she used to live here. 
We have memories in my house.
My town.
She got to see some of my friends.
Meet up with some of her friends.

And then we hugged and said goodbye.
Goodbye with the knowledge that Korea is a lot farther the Hawaii.
Knowing that we might not see each other for a long time. 
Knowing that this-
these giggles
hugging during the tears
sharing make-up
sleeping in the same bed when we had two
singing
painting
feeling completely and perfectly at home
no need to entertain
nothing to hide or pretend
true and authentically being

is what I'm missing.
Now I go back to being friends to the girl in the screen, knowing she's so much more.

This is a kinda sad post.
And it's okay, because I'm kinda sad.

But you wanna know something?
Being sad really is okay.

And in this little grey cloud, I'm confident in my need for Jesus.
I need his love to continually pour over me.
I'm reminded of my infinite value because of his infinite grace.

This emptiness?
It's a side effect of our world.
These skin and bones are not my own.
This place?
It's not where I belong.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

sitting in this weird thing called silence

Silence breathes on my tired face.
My head hurts from the previous days of sleep deprivation due to early mornings and little quiet.

The mission trip was amazing and powerful, yet I'm not ready to form words. 
Jayna's visit was a total blast, but far to short. 
It's scary that I might not see her until we're both in collage. 
I'm not ready for our friendship to go back into a screen. 

I lay in the quiet, not sure where to begin.
So I ask God to gently unpack me. 
Unpack my emotion,
My memories,
My guilt. 
To sort through this with Him, that it may bring Him glory. 

I don't know what to think or feel or do or say. 
Yet in this quiet, I know to listen.
Listen to His whisper saying, "Rest in me. Feel with me. And do not fear; for you can do all things through me, who strengthens you."


Monday, July 11, 2016

miles


Change is blowing all around me.
Twisting and turning,


taking people and things I never thought it would. 

Some days the miles feel short.
Numbers on a screen, spliced by moving lips.

Not today.
Today the miles are long. 
They taunt me with their size, their altitude, their area. 
You feel very far.

And although I know where you are,
and what your doing,
the texts don't cut the distance today.
My heart is not numb.

The inches feel very long today.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Watch out Hawaii!


In 21 days I'm going to be sailing across the ocean to visit my long lost friend in Hawaii. We will get to spend 7 days of sunny, tropical bliss, doing what best friends do. I get to meet Jayna's sweet, little baby sister Annalee, whisper all night in her bedroom, and go shopping. Shaved ice is certainly on the agenda, and we also get to celebrate her 16th birthday. In case you haven't noticed, I am pretty excited!

 What I am most looking forward to though, is seeing my friend.

{Jayna and her mom}

The past two and a half years have been long, and kind of lonely without my partner in crime 10 minutes away. My posts were long an sappy and depressing in the months after you left. A lot of sad things did happen right around that time, but I was also covering myself in doubt.

I felt like my hear was being ripped up, and God wasn't stopping it. I remember crying out to God, asking him why he was taking all these people away from me; people that I loved deeply. It was sad; although I see and know that God was walking through those situations, I still don't understand the bigger picture.

 Sometimes that's how it goes.
We question our circumstances.
Our boats are rocked, and we wonder why this happening.

Even though I do finally get to see my friend, I still have no idea what God is doing.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next. But I know that it's gonna end up awesome.



 So now I'm curious. Have you had a situation where you questioned your circumstances? How did it turn out?

Hey, thanks so much for dropping by Letters to Jayna! Feel free to leave me a comment and let me know what you think. And if you like what you see, take a moment to follow me on Google+, Bloglovin, and Blogger. Have a wonderful day!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Five things I've Learned about Friendship

 

   I love my friends. I have some of the sweetest, caring, thoughtful people in my life. Every time I get of the phone with Jayna I can't stop smiling, because she is amazing. I have the friends I have, because something drew us together. Same with you. Your friends saw a sparkle in you that they were attracted to. You have inside stories and a lot of dirt on each other. It is a wonderful feeling. 

    There are times in life that we are overflowing with friends, and there are other times that it's lonely. It can be hard to not have good friends- it can be very lonely, isolating, and makes you wonder about you. Are you not good enough? Is there something wrong with you? Why don't you have any friends?

     I understand those feelings because I have experienced some of that. There was a time in middle school were a friend of mine took a very mean direction. She filled my head with lies, and it hurt. My heart felt betrayed because of our history. We has sleepovers, and attended each others birthday parties. So what did I do? Her bulling was disguised in the form of "joking", and I took the "joking" personally. It was a time where I felt it was my fault, and something was wrong with me.

    Now that we are older, and time has passed, we get along. I still don't agree with all her choices and her personality can rub me the wrong way. But, I now understand that she was insecure, and putting her insecurity on me. The reason I share that with you, is because I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you. Weather you are in a time of your life that your are surrounded by friends or not, you are there for a reason.

 You guys, by no means do I consider myself a perfect friend. I struggle to just be quiet and listen to my friends hearts. I forget to send birthday cards. Sometimes I ignore a phone call and continue to surf Pintrest. But as I continue to learn about love, and see the kindness others have poured out on me, I begin to realize this huge, beautiful, responsibility I have. I want to serve my friends, to love them, and to share life with them.

   Here are a few things I have been learning about friendship:

1. Send a darn card.
2. Make a phone call. Just to chat
3. The only person you can change is yourself.
4. They don't know what's bothering you, unless you tell them
5. Remind them that you love them


 -Elissa

 Q: Do you feel more like a loner or surrounded? What would you add to the list?

Monday, September 8, 2014

February 14

            The following is a journal entry I wrote February 14, 2013:

God, this one goes to Jayna;
May her travels be smooth
May she be able to say goodbye peacefully and calmly
May she have a peaceful heart about where she is going
My you bless the house that they move into; will you fill it with joy, with laughter, warmness, hospitality, and a welcoming glow.
May it me a place where Jayna can grow in her independence
May the dance studio be filled with the love of dance
May it be a place were dreams are formed, and grown rather then cut down and shattered.
May it be a place of calmness, and a place where Jayna will be able to worship you with her dance.
May it be a place where Jayna can remove herself from the dramas and stresses of life, and be a place that she will feel your peace in.
May the teachers there see all of the talent you have given her, and may they see how hard she has worked these last few years.
May they enjoy having her in each class, and may she be a fresh breath of newness to the studio.
May the teachers help her grow in her dancing, rather then slowing her down.
May the teachers give her dreams and goals, and Lord, may the girls welcome her and treat her kindly.
May they help her figure things out in a way that is honoring to you.
May they enjoy there company and want to hang out with her.
Lord, may you help them see what a great friend she is.


              God, please hear my prayers. Please God.
__________________________________________________________________________


 Out of all the praying I did for you before you moved, this was one that I wrote out. I was scared for you; that everything would be a disaster, and Hawaii would be a horrible experience. I prayed and prayed about it, because I wanted God to protect you from anything bad that might happen.


But you know what? Hard stuff still happened.
Three dance studios, and a lot of tears latter, you made the decision to quit dance.
    I asked God why was this happening to you? Did he not hear my prayers? Was I wrong in asking for all this? Why were people so mean and discouraging to you?


At the time of your decision, I really supported that. It was the right thing to do.


  But why was God telling you to quit something that had given you so much joy? Was it to much of a idol, and taking your focus of Him? Was it controlling your emotions to much? Where you so post to be doing something else, or tough it out?


I don't think it was an idol, and I don't think it had much power over your emotions. Yet I don't think you were meant to be toughing it out either. So why was there all that drama, when my prayer was seaming to be met with a no?


This is why: http://letters-to-elissa.blogspot.com/2014/09/restored.html


  You needed to be restored. You had to experience hard, hard things in order to be restored.


When we talked on the phone after that first class, I was tearing up. Not just because I was so happy for you (which I was!), but because God said yes.


  He was doing what I asked Him to do over a year and a half ago. He was planning this before I asked; before you where born.


That prayer was written on Valentines day; a day about love. Valentines day is celebrated by showing love between people; but does God limit to showing His love just on Valentines day? Nope, nope, nope and no. God is the ultimate example of love, because God is love.  He is a loving God.


 He wasn't sitting up there looking forward to hard stuff coming your way; He was sitting up there with the knowledge that your life would be an example of His love. What a amazing thing to be.


  My friend, the word restored is a good word. A very, very good word. :)


     Love,
                 Elissa


Question: When was a time you felt like God wasn't being loving?

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Why long distance friendships are worth it....& other

NOTE: I am alive and breathing. This summer has been so relaxing, I am not ready to trade doing practically nothing for the whirl wind of the school year. I am sorry for the lack of posts....kind of. I have really enjoyed taking a break from my computer screen; but I come back ready!



   Well hello friends in blogger land! For my lame excuse as to why I haven't been blogging, see above. All my school supplies are siting in target bags on our stars, waiting for me to openly surrender to the fact the summer is pretty much over. Ah-hem. But anyways, I really am excited to be back in the rhythm and swing of things.

  I am about to begin my last week of summer dance, and I am miss, miss, missing my teachers that left. I am being rather hormonal about it. But seriously; it's been kind of hard. It has been hard to let go to such amazing people. And it has been hard for me to keep in touch with you, because I have been out of town a lot AND we are each running in a bunch of different directions.
It's rough.

   It's rough not knowing what your days look like, when we used to always know where the other person was. It's tempting to me at times, to just stop caring about stuff like that. It sure would be easier. It would be easier if the same amazing people lived right next to each other, and nothing ever changed.

  Long distance friendships are hard. They can be exhausting and extremely difficult  to maintain. And no form of communication is the same as just being together.

   But honestly? Friendships aren't so post to be easy. Humans were designed to fully and completely trust God; but when we rebelled against that, things changed. Now, we have to deal with ego's, broken trust, hurt, clinginess, lack of empathy, lack of understanding, zero sensitivity,  just to name a few.  That why this is hard and hurts; because of sin. And it doesn't just hurt us; it hurts God too. A lot.


   Friendships are hard, messy, beautiful, complicated things. They are a gift; a broken, yet beautiful gift. We are created to be loved, and to love. Just like we love our friends close to us, in many different ways, we can find ways to express that same love to our friends far away. It takes effort; a lot of effort. More work. But ultimately, isn't love felt deeper when the love that is expensive? When
the cost is higher? It is expensive to show love to anyone; but it the the effort it takes grows and grows.


 Today, I challenge you to chose to give that love away freely and deeply.


          1 John 4:7  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.


  Question: When does it feel the hardest to love other people?

                                   M -Elissa