Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts

Friday, August 4, 2017

choose to believe [or not]


I walked to my nanny job after two weeks of vacation, to be smothered in hugs.
The little faces looked up at me and in the midst of procolmations about me being home,
"You look at little chubby," poped out of one mouth.

Given my rough history with body image and stuff, my heart skipped a beat.
Do I I really look  chubby? 
Chubby?  What does that even mean? 
Well I didn't really eat well on vacation .
Gezz Elissa, why did you have all those ice cream sandwiches!? 
You are so fat now. 
And you have absolutely no self control.
What a cow. 
All that in 0.067 seconds. 

Usually I can hear that, listen to the commentary, and shake it off because I have the tools to do so.
I know that I eat pretty healthily. 
I'm allowed to eat yummy things on vacation. 
*deep breath  Elissa*
But as I walked through my morning, it stuck with me. 
I started questioning all sorts of things and feeling sucky in general. 
This is what you look like now. 
A little chubby. 
How are you ever planning on showing up for dance  like this?
You know Nutcracker auditions are in a month right? 
Wow. 
When things like this happen, I know one of the abosolute worst things I can do is change how I eat my next meal. 
So eating lunch was next. 
And than a snack. 
And now I'm writing this post. 

You guys, in the same breath I was told I was chubby I was ask told I looked taller. 
I know I have not grown a inch in two weeks. 
So why am I willing to believe that I'm suddenly "chubby"? 
Why do I want to feel bad? 

Lies are smart like that. 
We dwell on the small ones, and they target or weaknesses like non other. 
They sneak into petty comments, shoot straight for the soft spot. 
They come to kill and distroy. 
So don't let them.

Choose what you believe. 
And please oh please, choose wisely.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

i serve one master


When I wake-up tomorrow morning, I will remember I serve one master.

I do not serve my image
make-up 
clothes
trends
brands

I do not serve the expectations of others
teachers
parents
friends 
siblings
peers

I do not serve my feelings
fear 
loneliness
stress
doubt


For I choose to serve one God.

I will strive to align myself with the person and character of Jesus. 
I will fight to know my true image found in grace
I will work diligently in what I have been called to
I will cling to truth and fight darkness.

Because I serve one master. 

Monday, June 27, 2016

dressing room deductions


I stand in the small dressing room, my eyes surveying the clingy cotton
subconsciously analyzing every millimeter of my torso.

Third dressing room of the day, and the walls begin to choke me.
I'd been happy with nothing.

It all looked bad.
on me.
But not on the hanger.

It took a full 5.789 seconds to deduct 437 negative things about
the shirt
my 'bingo wings'
abs
hair
my life.

So I hung those two cotton shirts up on their plastic hangers
with full knowledge that feelings lie.
thoughts lie.
the mirror lies.

And I grabbed my purse and got out of there.

Today wasn't a great day to be adventurous.
And I'm okay with that.

I'm okay as long as I know that
feelings can be liars.
thoughts can be liars.
And the mirror can be a liar.


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Tuesday, May 17, 2016

we fight to love

Jon Foreman, the lead vocalist of Switchfoot, once said that to be a lover, you have to be a fighter.

That in order to love, we have to battle against the things that rip us apart. 
The things that feed our guilt, and keep us up at night. 
The pressing force pushing us away from what is true and noble. 
We have to fight. 

For me, sometimes I have to fight for that tinny little wisper in my heart.
The voice that tells me to know how loved and valuable I am.
     The voice of joy.
Of peace. 
   Of hope.
I have to fight.

I have to fight to love my body.
I fight to love my nose and thighs and arms everyday.

 It's a fight to love the people who raise my blood pressure. 
Fighting for compassion and a still tongue is draining. 

I fight to love me, in all my inadequacy and failures. 

I have to fight to love my friends and family, 
 knowing that I am not the perfect child and friend. 

Everything lovey and noble, everything true and pure, has to be chased after. 
We have to fight against insecurity. 
Stand up against rage and annoyance. 
Push against the lies that around us.

And know

you are loved 
you are valuable
and you are not alone
  

Monday, November 9, 2015

I don't look at fitspiration: here's why

 

I don't look at 'fitsporation'.
I don't believe we should use shame and jealousy to motivate ourselves into making healthy choices.
I don't believe losing weight is the key to success.
I don't agree that I am a bad person if I eat a cupcake.
 
I don't want to stare at six packs and thigh gaps all day.
I refuse to believe loosing weight is the answer to bigger problems.
 
I do strive to be healthy.
I try to eat whole foods, drink lots of water, and exercise at least 5 days a week. 
 
But I don't need my perception of healthy or beauty distorted by "motivating" tips.
I don't think women need to use pictures to motivate them to become healthy.
I think women need to understand they are valuable no matter what size they are.  
 
So there, I said it.
I don't look at fitsporation, at that's why.
 
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Monday, October 12, 2015

voices


We are told how to fix our problem areas.
How to slim our thighs, chisel our abdomens into Pinterest worthy stomachs, tone our arms.
I am told this dress looks flattering on me- very slimming.
Yet I am told to love the person in I see in the mirror; to embrace my weight, my size, my thighs and all.
 
We are pushed to resolve ourselves to losing weight over the new year. 
We are told to be happy with ourselves.
We are told to strive for perfection.
 
I am told order the salad; but in order to impress him, order the burger.
We are told to cut out soy, gluten, dairy, meat, GMO’s, sugar, animal products, carbohydrates, legumes, fat, all things processed, anything inorganic, high cholesterol, high sodium.
And by high cholesterol and high sodium, I mean all sodium and cholesterol.
We are told to enjoy food.
 
We are told we are too small, too big, too short, too tall. We are too skinny, too fat, too underdressed, too overdressed.
I am told my heart is what matters.
 
I hear a lot of voices telling me a lot of things. But I have other scenes than my ears.
I have eyes that see beautiful women all around me, inspiring, guiding, helping others.
I smell change in our old stereotyped ideas, but I also see how these ideas have been embedded into us. 
I touch uncertainty as I watch others move with confidence.

I feel my heart.
Beating, searching, questioning, and absorbing all these things. 
My legs are not a problem.
My heath is not determined by the latest dieting fad.
And my value as a human being isn’t tangled up in the food on my plate, the image in the mirror, or the cruel opinions of others.
No no. My value comes from something much greater than all that.
And those voices that surround me? They can have their opinion. And I’ll have mine.
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