Friday, August 4, 2017

choose to believe [or not]


I walked to my nanny job after two weeks of vacation, to be smothered in hugs.
The little faces looked up at me and in the midst of procolmations about me being home,
"You look at little chubby," poped out of one mouth.

Given my rough history with body image and stuff, my heart skipped a beat.
Do I I really look  chubby? 
Chubby?  What does that even mean? 
Well I didn't really eat well on vacation .
Gezz Elissa, why did you have all those ice cream sandwiches!? 
You are so fat now. 
And you have absolutely no self control.
What a cow. 
All that in 0.067 seconds. 

Usually I can hear that, listen to the commentary, and shake it off because I have the tools to do so.
I know that I eat pretty healthily. 
I'm allowed to eat yummy things on vacation. 
*deep breath  Elissa*
But as I walked through my morning, it stuck with me. 
I started questioning all sorts of things and feeling sucky in general. 
This is what you look like now. 
A little chubby. 
How are you ever planning on showing up for dance  like this?
You know Nutcracker auditions are in a month right? 
Wow. 
When things like this happen, I know one of the abosolute worst things I can do is change how I eat my next meal. 
So eating lunch was next. 
And than a snack. 
And now I'm writing this post. 

You guys, in the same breath I was told I was chubby I was ask told I looked taller. 
I know I have not grown a inch in two weeks. 
So why am I willing to believe that I'm suddenly "chubby"? 
Why do I want to feel bad? 

Lies are smart like that. 
We dwell on the small ones, and they target or weaknesses like non other. 
They sneak into petty comments, shoot straight for the soft spot. 
They come to kill and distroy. 
So don't let them.

Choose what you believe. 
And please oh please, choose wisely.