Tuesday, May 24, 2016

big eyes


Slamming out of the empty dressing room, late for tap because chemistry went late agian, I crashed into our executive directer.

"Elissa, you are such a celebrity," she said with a smile.
                                       "Oh?"
"All the little girls are so star struck by you. Ruby (her seven-year-old) is all 'I know her. She babysits for me.' You are so popular."

 I replied and rushed into tap, but her words ran over and over in my head.
when are they watching me
those little girls think you hung the moon
"...you're a celebrity..."
"...i know her.."

I remember being those girls so clearly. 
Watching and thinking about how big and cool the 'big girls' were.
Scared to death of them, but in absolute awe. 
And someday, I would be a big girl. 

i am the top level
i am dorothy, traveling to Oz
i carry the show
My whole dance life I've felt a certain degree of invisibility. 
Never quite good enough to leave the corpe. 
Not the most flexible, nor the owner of beautiful arches. 
I've worked and worked and worked, but never front and center. 
Always the corpe. 

A few trios and duets. 
Many times an understudy. 
But never the star.
Never the 'celebrity.' 


I'm a big girl. 
Am I someone they can see Jesus in?
Am I kind? 
Do I work hard?
Am I inclusive?
Do I treat all equally?
Have they heard me talk crap?
Have they watched me roll my eyes behind a classmates back?


Those little ones have big eyes. 
Big, big eyes. 
What are they seeing? 




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Tuesday, May 17, 2016

we fight to love

Jon Foreman, the lead vocalist of Switchfoot, once said that to be a lover, you have to be a fighter.

That in order to love, we have to battle against the things that rip us apart. 
The things that feed our guilt, and keep us up at night. 
The pressing force pushing us away from what is true and noble. 
We have to fight. 

For me, sometimes I have to fight for that tinny little wisper in my heart.
The voice that tells me to know how loved and valuable I am.
     The voice of joy.
Of peace. 
   Of hope.
I have to fight.

I have to fight to love my body.
I fight to love my nose and thighs and arms everyday.

 It's a fight to love the people who raise my blood pressure. 
Fighting for compassion and a still tongue is draining. 

I fight to love me, in all my inadequacy and failures. 

I have to fight to love my friends and family, 
 knowing that I am not the perfect child and friend. 

Everything lovey and noble, everything true and pure, has to be chased after. 
We have to fight against insecurity. 
Stand up against rage and annoyance. 
Push against the lies that around us.

And know

you are loved 
you are valuable
and you are not alone
  

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

on feelings


on grief 
Let yourself cry today.
Allow yourself to be sad and worried. 
But remember what is true: He is still good. 

on joy
Let yourself enjoy these moments.
Feel the music and 
let your soul breathe deep into the cracks. 
Remember what is true: He is still good.

on anger
Be angry. 
Be mad. 
Yell and scream and cry until you have no water left.
Rip up paper.
Remember truth: He is still good. 

on confusion
It's okay to not know. 
To question.
To wait and wonder and not understand.
Yet in your confusion, know: He is still good. 

on worry
Go ahead and freak out.
Bite your nails. 
Do a nervous room-cleaning, or cook something. 
Hope for the best.
Know truth: that no matter what, He is still good


  on truth
Know what is true.
What is pure, helpful, and uplifting.
Know that you are loved and precious,
and your future is brighter then you could ever imagine



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