And being on this side of the picture is incredibly weird.
Not doing it. Not seeing your own personal name on the cast list.
No screaming, yelling, crying; no power.
The cast list has nothing to do with me this year. And the thought of "what would I have gotten?'
has crossed my mind many times, but nothing compared to the number of times the thought, 'what will I get?' crossed my mind last year. And the year before. And the year before that.
Because when I traveled to the Land of Sweets more Decembers then I hadn't, slowly I began to loose perspective.
When I was in first grade, my very first year in The Nutcracker I was a bon-bon. And the biggest annoyance to me was that I had to wear this little cough drop looking costume. And a matching cough drop baby bonnet that always made me summer salt side ways, instead of straight. That was it. It didn't matter what I got, what others got, or what the teachers thought.
And I want that again Jayna.
I want to enjoy the show. I want to do a nice job. I want my friends to be happy with what they get.
But I cant. Not when I cry myself to sleep after seeing the cast list. Not when I feel jelous at other dancers. Not when I ignore my friends because I care so much about what the teachers think and say.
God brought me to a spot and let me know that it was my choice. And I could put my worth and value in Him, or in some other thing that I have no control over.
And you know what that choice was, and girl you were one of the biggest things that encouraged me to make the decision. And you so get this.
So here I am, sitting in the mist of Nutcracker withdraw symptoms. And it's ok.
It really is.