font-family: 'Dawning of a New Day', cursive; Letters To Jayna

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Retreat in the Midst of Chaos




I sit listening to the gentle waves. 

Sunlight beating into my heart. 
I think about the light of Jesus I prayed about this morning.

Inhale. 
Exhale.
Peace. 
Rest. 
Typical 'retreat sentiments'
             {excerpt from my journal, February 12, 2016} 

I skimmed over these words as I flipped to a blank page last night.
Remembering those quiet moments, while I was free to be still.
Asking.
Listening.
Thinking.

I think about the ocean I drive by everyday.
The tides going in and out, compatible with the moon.
How complex those simple moments are.


I have four weeks left of school. A research paper to write. Math to complete. Two science exams, along with my history papers.
My sister is graduating.
She has to decide where she will spend the next four years of her life tonight.

I am Dorthy in our dance school's production of The Wizard of Oz. 
We are going host family and throw a graduation party.
I am going to drink coffee and write papers late into the night.
Enough sweat to fill a lake is about to seep from my pours.

Rest? Calm?

During finals?
While my one of best friend packs to leave?
When I wait in the wings, preparing to dance a full length ballet?

I asked God about peace last night.
I poured out my thoughts, my questions, my heartache.
And although my eyelids were drooping and my mattress encompassed my exhausted body, I read my words from that day.

My 'retreat alone time' journal entry.
My thoughts during that weekend.
And although it was a bubble, it wasn't the only time I experience this peace.

I experienced it this morning as I globed on mascara.
I experienced it as I drove to class.
I was at peace during my test.
My soul is at peace, because of Him.

Today, I pray you will find calm in the storm.
I hope you will find joy in the ordinary.
I pray you will anchor yourself on the peace of Jesus.

And may you know how loved and valuable you are in the chaos of this crazy life.




Friday, April 22, 2016

fashion friday: cool spring dress






It's been so sunny and warm here in Washington this past week! I've been enjoying wearing tank tops and flip flops. Also, I have decided I just might wear dresses all summer. They are cool, can be dressed up or down. Plus, it is way easier then picking out a top and bottom and making sure they 'go' perfectly. 

So what about you- dresses or shorts? 

Thanks for visiting my piece of the internet! Please take a moment to leave a comment and let me know you dropped by. Have a wonderful day!

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Always

Three years ago I waved goodbye as my best friend rolled down the driveway.
Two days before, I had driven home from my aunts funeral and gone directly to the goodbye party. A month before my 25 year old youth leader died of cancer the same week a friend's dad committed suicide. 


I'm a organized person. I love order. Structure. 
Schedules.
I have a note book dedicated purely to lists. (See above image)

But no one plans for sudden death. No one makes friends to lose them. It's impossible to explain to know what to say to someone who's dad killed himself last week.
What do you do?

I froze. I hadn't scheduled these crises. 
I hadn't accounted for the deep pain I would feel. 
I was emotionless, because I couldn't allow myself to lose it. There was no option in my mind to be 'not okay'. I didn't allow myself to feel these things because who knew what kind of feelings would be felt. What would I do? 

Three years ago today, I said goodbye. It wasn't a permeant goodbye, but a 'see you later.'

I look and see Jesus holding my fragile heart.
I heard his whisper of hope in my ear.
I tasted little bites of his goodness and love. 
I felt what it meant to be loved unconditionally. 
I saw him standing with me, knowing he had experienced more pain then I will ever know.

He didn't move.
He has always been perfect.
Always faithful.
He is my rock, my place of refuge. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

we are the travelers


We're all travelers, wondering these roads.
We all are driving through the traffic jams,
the corn fields,
the mountains. 
We're bound to end up on the floor of a rest-station bathroom at some point. 

We're all travelers, making our way through these roads. 
Sometimes slowly.
Other times zipping past reality.  

We all want to make a mark. 
Leave a legacy. 
Change the world.

I inhale the pollution, allowing despair and sadness to fill my lungs.
Cars flying by me with direction.

Yet I feel like I'm in a corn-maze.
Running around, having no idea where I'm going.
Lost. Tired. Knowing clouds are coming.

I'm I traveler, wondering the roads placed before me.
Sometimes I run. Other times I jog.
But not now.

Today I walk.
Inhaling what's before me.
Exhaling pollution.

We all travel these roads.
Will we walk together? 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

March Favorites


March: endless shows and school sums up March for me. Here are my favorites form the month!

movie// I would say my absolute favorite movie this month would be The Italian Job. It's one of those classic sleepover flicks that contains all the elements of a good story. It goes well with ice cream.

book// One of my school books was Prince Caspian, and it was so fun to re-read! I originally read it a long time ago with my older sister and I have always related to Lucy in all the Narnia books. However, this time around I found myself gravitating towards Susan more. Her struggles with fear and finding herself resonated with me:-)

writing// I did quite a bit of writing in March. We have a big editorial competition where I take classes, so I was busy working on that. I also spent quite a bit of time working on narrative writing, which was interesting. All the pieces I did for my English class in March where pretty heavy and deep, so it's been difficult getting out of that head space.

face// March has not been kind to my face. I've had two (two!!!) pimples right underneath my eyebrow. It is the most awkward place/thing ever. My favorite product would have to be my EOS lip balm because my lips have been so dry. Basic, I know.

makeup// I've started using the L'Oreal Voluminous mascara in carbon black, and I really like it so far! I'm am a total mascara junkie, and I have high expectations for my eyelashes. So far, so good.

clothes// I've been having trouble transitioning into a more 'springy' look this year- I'm not ready to let all of my boots and sweaters go! My most worn item for March is definitely my black skinny jeans. I wear them alll the time.

 blog// It's been fun discovering lots of new blogs this month. It's really hard to pick one favorite, but I would have to say Kate who blogs at the goodness revolt has stood out to me. Her writing is so beautiful (like seriously, go check out this post right now) and I love the verity in what she writes.

post// Gahh, again this is so hard because I've read so much good stuff! Buuuutttt, this post (rich dirt) by Cally who writes at Words Passing You By is amazing. You need to go follow her right now.


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 Okay readers, I need some help! I know a lot of you are avid readers who read, read, read and I am so not. Although I enjoy reading, I'm so busy and at the end of the day I just collapse. However, I need some new material, so leave your recommendations in the comments!


Friday, April 1, 2016

in sickness and sunshine


I have been seriously sick with what I am confident was the black plague. My Easter was not spent wearing a cute little sundress, immaculately decorating eggs with so much detail they could easily be swapped with those on Pinterest. I didn't eat the Hungarian Dobos Torte that my aunt made and posted all over Facebook so I could look at it while I was sitting by the toilet. I was a heathen and didn't go to church. However, that might have been for the better because our church had a bunch of baptisms and I cry uncontrollably at baptisms.  

the dobos torte

Instead I've been consuming cough drops and adivil, every vitamin under the sun, and so much water that I pee every hour. It's exhausting peeing this much. 

But, on a less tmi topic, the yellow thing in the sky came out?!?! 
'what?' you gasp!
It took us Washingtonians a moment to remember what it was because...well...it's been a while. However, I quickly remembered and grabbed my tank-top and sunglasses before heading to my favorite local smoothie shop with the windows down. It may or may not have been 59 degrees. I explained I had been sick and needed something with lots of good vitamins pronto, and the lady gave me a cucumber grapefruit smoothie. Sound weird, but it was so yummy and lite. 

Now you want to try a cucumber and grapefruit smoothie. Your welcome.

Spending the past days (almost week) suffering with the black plague, I've contemplated life. 
You know. 
Laying in bed at 4:17am wondering why you never appreciated being able to breathe through your nostrils.  
Getting in a nice hot bath with a fever and then getting the chills. 
Asking what you did to deserve this near death experience.
 (okay, maybe it was just the flu but that is beside the point...)  

Over and over the past week, the phrase 
it was my sin that held Him there 
has been running, running, running through my head.

The miracle, the good news, the reason for my hope and life, was accomplished. 
                              His dying breath has brought me life. 
I live in the new life I have been given
                              I know that it is finished. 

Friends, let's choose to live together in the confidence knowing that it is finished. 
The work has been done.
Our ransom has been paid. 
There is nothing we can do be loved more then we are right now.

In sickness and sunshine, it is finished. 


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Sunday, March 20, 2016

coffee makes me a better person


I believe coffee makes me a better person.


I wake up each morning, clad in eclectic ensembles of yoga pants and gruby undershirts. Sometimes my roots are covered in oil, bobby pins falling out from last night's bun. Other times it’s a crazy cloud of curls surrounding my makeupless face. No matter what my zombie like presence resembles as I stagger across the room to turn off my alarm, I know I have two choices. I can sit in the heatless, bright, horrible morning and begin to brace myself for the 18 hours to come. Or I can crawl back into my cocoon of pillows, all warm and safe. Slip back into my subconscious.  


Usually I apply every single ounce of self control to making the mature decision. The decision to leave my throne of peace.


Then I find myself shivering in the quited house, slapping on war paint. I cover my pimples, and slap on some eyeliner. Then I coat my eyelashes in copious amounts of mascara, almost to the point where I’m just globbing it. I love mascara. Next I pick out my outfit. And if I was the responsible person my mother taught me to be, I would have it hanging on a hanger, ready to go. But no. Instead I stare at my closet for roughly five minutes, my brain clouded in sleep. After all, this is taking mental capacity.

After I have thrown on something because of my lack of time, I finally make it to the coffee. Warm, rich, flavorful bliss. And as I do whatever I must do while sipping calm, I transform from beast to beauty.  

  
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