font-family: 'Dawning of a New Day', cursive; Letters To Jayna

Sunday, August 28, 2016

i am a gossip


it started out as a harmless, giggly conversation.
A silly moment. 
And then all of the sudden my friend looked at me and said,
"Elissa, you do gossip a lot." 

I choked.
I was the only Christian in that room
The only one with the responsibllity to be a bright light in a darkened world.

"It's not nessicarly a bad thing..." She went on.
But the words cut down through all the layers and hit my core.

I am a gossip.

These words taste like vinegar comming out of my mouth.
They rock around in my brain,
Tumbling into every thought.

They cut through my crap and cockiness in which I stood before God last night.

For I am a gossip.

And I hate it.
I hate this ugliness inside of me,
This sword I have deeply misused.

I hate that I'm seen as a gossip to some non-Christian friends.
I hate that I bring shame to the name of Jesus on this earth.
I hate it.

For I am ashamed of this sin.
I am naked in my inadequacies.
And aware of my failure.

And Jesus knows.
He knows me as I sit with my two little gossip buddies,
Yet he loves me fully.
He knows me as I keep record of wrong,
Yet he loves me endlessly.
He hears me tarnish his gift,
Yet he still loves me.
Perfecly.
Completely.
More then I could ever ask or imagine.

For our God loves us so greatly that he will never change the depth of his love.
In any moment.
In any action.
In any situation.

For we, my brothers and sisters, are loved by a very big God.
Bigger then any shame.



Thursday, August 25, 2016

i serve one master


When I wake-up tomorrow morning, I will remember I serve one master.

I do not serve my image
make-up 
clothes
trends
brands

I do not serve the expectations of others
teachers
parents
friends 
siblings
peers

I do not serve my feelings
fear 
loneliness
stress
doubt


For I choose to serve one God.

I will strive to align myself with the person and character of Jesus. 
I will fight to know my true image found in grace
I will work diligently in what I have been called to
I will cling to truth and fight darkness.

Because I serve one master. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

worship playlist 8.16


Ever feel like you're stuck in a music rut? Yeah, me too. So today I'm sharing my worship playlist with you in hopes that you find some new material!

I listen to this playlist all. the. time. Most consistently, I listen to it while I put on my make-up/brush teeth/do hair/wash face/ect. in the morning. It helps wake me up and have some Jesus time first thing. You may also notice I have quite a few live versions. Live versions drive me crazy at times, but these I all love. There're often longer, yet it seams easier for me to worship along with some of the live versions for whatever reason.
Enjoy!

This is Amazing Grace
Phil Wickham, The Ascension

At Your Name (Yahweh, Yaweh)
Phil Wickham, Response

Holy Spirit
Bryan & Katie Torwalt, Here On Earth

I'm A Lover Of Your Presence
Bryan & Katie Torwalt, Kingdom Come

Cornerstone- Live
Hillsong Worship, Cornerstone (Live)

Set A Fire- Live
Jesus Culture, Live from New York

Your Love Never Fails- Live
Jesus Culture, Your Love Never Fails (Live)

All the Poor and Powerless
All Sons and Daughters, Brokenness Aside

Shadows- feat. Lecrae
David Crowder Band, Passion: Here For You

The Old Rugged Cross (I am Free)
BridgeCity, Christ Be Glorified

It is Well (Live
Bethel Music & Kristene Dimarco, You Make Me Brave Live

One Thing- Live
Hillsong Worshop, OPEN HEAVEN

Salt & Light
Lauren Daigle, How Can It Be

Oh, Love That Will Not Let Me Go
Robbie Seay Band, Miracle

Restless
Audrey Assad, The House You're Building

Jesus, We Love You (Live)
Paul McClure, We Will Not Be Shacken (Live)

Set a Fire
Will Reagan, Endless Years

O Praise The Name (Asastasis)- Live
Hillsong Worship, O Praise The Name (Asastasis)- (Live)

10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)
Passion, Passion: White Flag (Live)

Jesus Loves Me
Chris Tomlin, Love Ran Red

Your Heart (DAVID)
Chris Tomlin, Music Inspired By the Story

Isaiah 43 (feat. Jordan Perry)
Landon Ditto, Through Deep Waters

How Great Thou Art
Citisens & Saints, How Great Thou Art

Arise- Bonus Track
Hillsong United, Zion (Deluxe Edition)

How Can It Be
Lauren Daigle, Trust In You

Trust In You
Lauren Daigle, Trust In You

What's on your worship playlist?


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Saturday, August 6, 2016

the girl in the screen


I walk up to my room, empty of laughter and whispers, yet so full of things that call out their last use.

The paint brushes we used until 3:30am making water-color hand-lettering.
The chocolate cookies we ate compulsively.
Her cup of water.
A beautiful card that I still haven't actually read because I could only get two sentences in.
Two black flip-flops, one with a redneck contraption resulting from: first night of mission trip/long walk/broken shoe/hairband/a future engineer.
A pink notebook.

It's all petty and little and stupid.
She's moved before.
I've visited before.
We've done this.

In fact, we're almost pros at long distance friendship.
Our fb messaging game is beyond stellar.
Facetime is a regular occurrence and rarely lasts under an hour.
She knows what's happening.
I know what's happening.
We talk, and cry, and laugh together across a giant ocean.

Yes, it's hard not zipping to her house that's no longer 7 minutes away.
It's sad to miss each others races, concerts, recitals, shows, time after time after time. 
I hate not having sleepovers.
I hate not being able to have her meet the people I talk about.
It sucks.

Yet at the same time, I know how to sit with the sucky-ness when it comes.
Throughout my journal, you'll see me talking to God about whatever, and see a totally random, "I miss Jayna" thrown in.
Because there are days when I feel whats missing.
But not everyday.

There was something about this last visit that made it harder to swallow.
Maybe it's because she used to live here. 
We have memories in my house.
My town.
She got to see some of my friends.
Meet up with some of her friends.

And then we hugged and said goodbye.
Goodbye with the knowledge that Korea is a lot farther the Hawaii.
Knowing that we might not see each other for a long time. 
Knowing that this-
these giggles
hugging during the tears
sharing make-up
sleeping in the same bed when we had two
singing
painting
feeling completely and perfectly at home
no need to entertain
nothing to hide or pretend
true and authentically being

is what I'm missing.
Now I go back to being friends to the girl in the screen, knowing she's so much more.

This is a kinda sad post.
And it's okay, because I'm kinda sad.

But you wanna know something?
Being sad really is okay.

And in this little grey cloud, I'm confident in my need for Jesus.
I need his love to continually pour over me.
I'm reminded of my infinite value because of his infinite grace.

This emptiness?
It's a side effect of our world.
These skin and bones are not my own.
This place?
It's not where I belong.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

sitting in this weird thing called silence

Silence breathes on my tired face.
My head hurts from the previous days of sleep deprivation due to early mornings and little quiet.

The mission trip was amazing and powerful, yet I'm not ready to form words. 
Jayna's visit was a total blast, but far to short. 
It's scary that I might not see her until we're both in collage. 
I'm not ready for our friendship to go back into a screen. 

I lay in the quiet, not sure where to begin.
So I ask God to gently unpack me. 
Unpack my emotion,
My memories,
My guilt. 
To sort through this with Him, that it may bring Him glory. 

I don't know what to think or feel or do or say. 
Yet in this quiet, I know to listen.
Listen to His whisper saying, "Rest in me. Feel with me. And do not fear; for you can do all things through me, who strengthens you."


Thursday, July 14, 2016

the QUOTE TAG


The chair massages my back,
while the skin on my feet is saturated with lotion.
I ask the pedicurist to stop right before she removes my callouses, as they prevent many painful blisters from my pointe shoes.

She replies, "You no boyfriend?"

"No, no boyfriend."

i tag

_________________________________________________________________________

thanks for the tag Vanessa! (go check her out!)

Monday, July 11, 2016

miles


Change is blowing all around me.
Twisting and turning,


taking people and things I never thought it would. 

Some days the miles feel short.
Numbers on a screen, spliced by moving lips.

Not today.
Today the miles are long. 
They taunt me with their size, their altitude, their area. 
You feel very far.

And although I know where you are,
and what your doing,
the texts don't cut the distance today.
My heart is not numb.

The inches feel very long today.

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