Monday, October 24, 2016

I want a band-aid

My mind is a mess

Swiched on at 3:00am,
yet of at 11:00am.

I want someone to put a band-aid on me.
Fix this mess.
Tape it back together.

But the second someone talks about how
God has a reason for everything
Just be thankful for the things you do have
Something good is going to happen

I freeze.

Not because I don't know these words to be true,
or because they aren't said sincerely enough.

I know those things are true.

I'm just not ready for them.
I'm not ready for the world to move on,
and act like nothing happened.

I'm trying to function like a normal human being,
but I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I want tape and glue.
I want someone to say something that fixes me.
I want God to make my world perfect and happy and unicorns and rainbows.
I want the band-aid.

But you know what?
I don't get the tape and glue.
I don't get an easy out.

We get feelings that demand to be felt.
We get people that love us, and are willing to listen.
We get support groups.
We get the dirty and the messy.
The ugly and the broken.

I'm humbled in my need for Jesus.
Because oh, how I need him.
I need him to hold me and protect my fragile heart.
I need him to give me words.
I need his grace and forgiveness.
I need him to be a rock that is higher than I.

Because someday, he will make all things new.

We aren't going to be broken fragments, glued back together.
There will be no more pain and sadness.

For the God of all heaven and earth will wipe away every tear from every eye.
And all things will be made new.

So today, I get the broken.
But I know that someday I will get the beautiful.

Monday, October 17, 2016


A very close friend committed suicide two weeks ago.
Two weeks that contained years, yet I still have to remind myself of the horror that took place.

You guys, I am completely shattered.
My heart is broken, and I'm semi-numb to reality.

This is a mess.
A tragic, dark mess.

I'm struggling to form words, much less coherent thoughts.
I have a pile of school work glaring at me.
I keep waking up throughout the night.
I keep glancing and thinking I see her.

Her dutch braids.
Plaid shirt.
Kaiki pants.
Eyelashes that make you rethink your life.
Smile that lets up the room.

But then I remember her perfect body laying in the casket.

And the reality punches all over again.

You guys, we are shadows here on earth.
Your life contains infinite value.

You are precious.

And there are far
better things ahead.


Tuesday, October 4, 2016

big thoughts

why am I scared of what God will take away if I daily lay myself down?
what's it that I'm gripping, 
hording for myself? 
what do I want control over? 
selfishly planning according to my ideas and agendas. 

honestly, these questions go deep. 
so deep that I want to push away, 
fearful and un-trusting, 
avoiding eye-contact. 

they humble me from pride. 
 strip me of my exterior. 

and yet I still push. 

I still think God might rob me of joy and goodness. 

I think he will convict me of sin I'm comfortable with. 

I think I just might have a better idea for my life then him.


it's all stupid. 

our Daddy isn't a thief of joy.
he hates what separates us from him. 
and with him, we can completely fulfill the life we were designed to live. 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

back into the blender

I have officially been thrown back into the blender. 
Zap, zap, zap. 

And I am weary and caffeinated, yet it's just the first few weeks. 

I know it's partly because I am sick (going on three weeks!) 
Maybe because I'm overwhelmed with the pure volume of school I have,
trying to manage and schedule every waking moment.
My body is adjusting to six days of dance classes. 
I'm trying to learn my Nutcracker choreography.
It's hell week for Music Man, which opens on Thursday. 
My older sister moves out Wednesday.  

So I sit here with my coffee.
Sip, sip, sip. 

I read your beautiful and thoughtful blog posts, 
all inspired and perfect. 

I really should text that lady back. 
I need to take that French quiz asap.  
My math yells at me.

But I'm sitting here with my coffee, waiting to have our last "pancake day" (yes, this is a thing) as a family before Christmas. 
My naked face and XXL t-shirt, before I go pull myself together for church. 

This is where I'm at. 
I'm sorry this isn't poetic or inspirational.
But that's not how my life is at the moment, and I just thought you should know. 

This blender is exhausting.  
Our lives are exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.
And we, dear sisters, walk these roads together. 

Friday, September 9, 2016



I am so excited to let you know that I'm now a contributor to a new blog called BURNING YOUTH!!

Sisters Kate and Abbie who blog at the goodness revolt and Abbiee are some of my favorite bloggers. Their blogs are GOALS. Like, go check them out and leave them comments and chocolate.
You won't be sorry.

So when Kate contacted me about collaborating on a project/website/blog/something totally awesome  I was slightly starstruck and super excited.
So excited.

What is BURNING YOUTH about?

Exactly what it sounds like it’s about: youth on fire. Living inspired lives, and inspiring others. It’s about our lives as warheads, overcoming, fighting the demons, making the world a better place, art, travel music—things that make our hearts hum. That’s what BURNING YOUTH is an outlet for. Most importantly, helping other young adults realize that they aren’t fighting their battles alone… that we’re in this together. We are all taking down the shadows and searching for identity. We can do that together. We can take hands in the darkness and fight this stuff in unison, not solitude.

^^I may have stolen the about words from Kate...

here is the link:


There ya go. My big exciting news. ;-)

Sunday, August 28, 2016

i am a gossip

it started out as a harmless, giggly conversation.
A silly moment. 
And then all of the sudden my friend looked at me and said,
"Elissa, you do gossip a lot." 

I choked.
I was the only Christian in that room
The only one with the responsibllity to be a bright light in a darkened world.

"It's not nessicarly a bad thing..." She went on.
But the words cut down through all the layers and hit my core.

I am a gossip.

These words taste like vinegar comming out of my mouth.
They rock around in my brain,
Tumbling into every thought.

They cut through my crap and cockiness in which I stood before God last night.

For I am a gossip.

And I hate it.
I hate this ugliness inside of me,
This sword I have deeply misused.

I hate that I'm seen as a gossip to some non-Christian friends.
I hate that I bring shame to the name of Jesus on this earth.
I hate it.

For I am ashamed of this sin.
I am naked in my inadequacies.
And aware of my failure.

And Jesus knows.
He knows me as I sit with my two little gossip buddies,
Yet he loves me fully.
He knows me as I keep record of wrong,
Yet he loves me endlessly.
He hears me tarnish his gift,
Yet he still loves me.
More then I could ever ask or imagine.

For our God loves us so greatly that he will never change the depth of his love.
In any moment.
In any action.
In any situation.

For we, my brothers and sisters, are loved by a very big God.
Bigger then any shame.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

i serve one master

When I wake-up tomorrow morning, I will remember I serve one master.

I do not serve my image

I do not serve the expectations of others

I do not serve my feelings

For I choose to serve one God.

I will strive to align myself with the person and character of Jesus. 
I will fight to know my true image found in grace
I will work diligently in what I have been called to
I will cling to truth and fight darkness.

Because I serve one master. 

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