font-family: 'Dawning of a New Day', cursive; Letters To Jayna

Monday, June 27, 2016

dressing room deductions


I stand in the small dressing room, my eyes surveying the clingy cotton
subconsciously analyzing every millimeter of my torso.

Third dressing room of the day, and the walls begin to choke me.
I'd been happy with nothing.

It all looked bad.
on me.
But not on the hanger.

It took a full 5.789 seconds to deduct 437 negative things about
the shirt
my 'bingo wings'
abs
hair
my life.

So I hung those two cotton shirts up on their plastic hangers
with full knowledge that feelings lie.
thoughts lie.
the mirror lies.

And I grabbed my purse and got out of there.

Today wasn't a great day to be adventurous.
And I'm okay with that.

I'm okay as long as I know that
feelings can be liars.
thoughts can be liars.
And the mirror can be a liar.


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Thursday, June 23, 2016

'Oz' Recap


















Sweekkkcreekthuddthudthud 
Floor crackles and squeaks under my toes. 

Popping hips.
Clunking water.
Tossing pointe shoes.
Rolling neck. 
Grabbing out barres.

Plies
The very first combination of every class. 
'To bend' is the translation; and we have all bent to be here.
Concerts, sleepovers, dinners, and parties are being skipped. 
Homework is waiting for us.
Our phones are abandoned and our mouths are silent. 
We bend our knees together.

As the class continues, we work through each aspect of our bodies simincreaseing in speed.

"Allign your hips and rib cage!"
"Let go of the barre [in a balence] sometime today!"
"Elongate your spine"

We move from bare to center
The bares are moved back to the wall
Water is quickly chugged
And we continue. 

We continue to sweat and stretch.
Extending limbs,
We extend ourselves emotionally
Giving grace to the girl who, time-after-time, keeps crashing into someone else. 
Pouring our spare time into choreography, rehearsal videos, and making notes
Sewing pointe shoes
Costume fittings
Rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal. 
We extend.

________________________________________________

This show was a wonderful experience to be apart of. I learned more about dance and myself then I thought possible. Sweat poured out of my body, yet my heart was hydrated with joy of movement. 
The show was a blast. 
We made it through. (somehow)

I wrote my thank you cards and bought my gifts.
We said goodbye to beloved teachers- women who have grown me and challenged me in countless ways. I have been influenced and inspired, and I sit here all choked up thinking about them. 

And I stood at the barre after the show, feeling my sorreee muscles, I inhaled. 
I cracked my neck.
Clunked my pointe shoes. 
Ploped my water bottle down. 
And I realized that is, all of it, is home.

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Monday, June 20, 2016

inside my planner


I love looking at how other people stay sane. Mainly, I love admiring organization.
I loveeeee lists.
I lovvveee organization.
And I loveeee my planner,
Well, the feeling I get from using my planner. The planner itself is kinda meh, although I've grown to love it.

 This is the outside. It's a flexible plastic, which is great because it's very durable and easy to wipe stuff of off. Not that I ever spill anything or anything...
I drew on it with a gold paint pen, to jazz up the black cover. I sorta wish I drew something more interesting, but I also like the simplicity of it.


The inside is the neat version of my life. It looks full and clean and organized. And my life is full and crazy and complicated. Yet this planner is so helpful.
It's the other half of my brain most days.


I write quotes on the top of each week, and use them like a weekly moto. I also keep a little tab on my current week so I can flip to it easily.
I write my classes and anything else going on, but I don't use it for assignments. (I keep those on separate assignment sheets in the subject notebook/folder)
The planner has a month-at-a-glance feature that I try to use for blogging, but I'm not always full of inspiration at the beginning of the month soooooooo.

And that's about it! Let me know how/if you use a planner in the comments below!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

summer reading list

Welp, lets get down to business.
Reading business.

All the Light We Cannot See
by Anthony Doerr
     I'm excited to dig into this highly recommend novel. I tried to start it a few months ago, but I had trouble getting into it with all the other things on my mind. Vacation is the perfect time though! 

Encountering God Through Dance
by Saara Taina 
      This book was just given to me, and it's one of the first of its kind. Books written from a Christian perspective are nearly impossible to find so I'm interested to hear what it contains.

Salt to Sea
by Ruta Sepetys
      I adored Between Shades of Grey by Ruta Sepetys, and I'm so excited to get my hands on Salt to Sea. She does a brilliant job of bringing light to horrific events and topics without being too graphic. Her characters are rounded and the writing is beautiful. 

The Fault in Our Stars
by John Green
       Personally, I feel it is imperative to reed teen-y-booper books in the summer. I've already read this book, but I rushed through it at 3:30am....

I am the Messenger 
by Markus Zusak
       This was recommended to me by a librarian, and I don't really know much about it other then the author is amazing and the summary invites me in. So I'll keep ya updated.

Thanks for dropping by! So now I'm curious- what are you reading this summer? Let me know in the comments below!  

Thursday, June 16, 2016

well hello




I originally wrote out a big apology for the beginning of this post, making excuses and saying how busy these past months have been, blah, blah, blahh.  But then I saw the date of my last post and realized it has just been three weeks. 
Three weeks containing an eternity. 

finals week// was nuts. Countless hours of studying, homework, studying, portfolios, tears, more tears, research, writing, Hamilton soundtrack, 2:30am facetime calls, naked face, sweat pants, endless bottles of water.  

cleaning// was not something I had a ton of time to do, but it happened anyway. Dusting, mowing, weeding, clipping, vacuuming, sweeping, throwing things out, trips to the thrift store, finding fifty-thousand bobby pins, wiping down endless counters, smelling like cleaner. 

grandparents// and aunt came. And we did fun, hippie, Washington things which was great. Delicious food was also involved. 

awards night// at the place we take classes. Crunchy certificates, teachers talking way too long, beautiful music, kind words, thank you cards, seeing sister in cap and gown for the first time, ugly uniforms, misty rain.

show run-through// was exhausting and good all at the same time. It was so great to see everything come together, but it was hot. And I had to leave early for...

sisters graduation// sweaty, bun hair, cute shoes, all grown up, sunshine, lump in throat, awards, pride, thoughts of age and growth, pictures, yummy dinner, beach photos, late night. 

graduation party// was full of friends. Pictures of us growing up, good hair day, family, cute babies, clean house, food, so many cars, (and cards!), laughter, heat, flowers, scrapbooks, pintrest-y-ness, chairs, gifts, and bare feet. 

tech week// I actually sort of vlogged, thinking I would be a awesome blogger and share the week with you. But I realized I am a bad vlogger, and you guys wouldn't even want to hear my rambles. So let me know. It was filled with KIND bars, pointe shoes, leotards, tights, bobby pins, drama, facebook group messages, trash bag pants, and lighting issues. 

oz// was great, and deserves its own post.  Post is comming. ;)


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

big eyes


Slamming out of the empty dressing room, late for tap because chemistry went late agian, I crashed into our executive directer.

"Elissa, you are such a celebrity," she said with a smile.
                                       "Oh?"
"All the little girls are so star struck by you. Ruby (her seven-year-old) is all 'I know her. She babysits for me.' You are so popular."

 I replied and rushed into tap, but her words ran over and over in my head.
when are they watching me
those little girls think you hung the moon
"...you're a celebrity..."
"...i know her.."

I remember being those girls so clearly. 
Watching and thinking about how big and cool the 'big girls' were.
Scared to death of them, but in absolute awe. 
And someday, I would be a big girl. 

i am the top level
i am dorothy, traveling to Oz
i carry the show
My whole dance life I've felt a certain degree of invisibility. 
Never quite good enough to leave the corpe. 
Not the most flexible, nor the owner of beautiful arches. 
I've worked and worked and worked, but never front and center. 
Always the corpe. 

A few trios and duets. 
Many times an understudy. 
But never the star.
Never the 'celebrity.' 


I'm a big girl. 
Am I someone they can see Jesus in?
Am I kind? 
Do I work hard?
Am I inclusive?
Do I treat all equally?
Have they heard me talk crap?
Have they watched me roll my eyes behind a classmates back?


Those little ones have big eyes. 
Big, big eyes. 
What are they seeing? 




Thanks for visiting Letters to Jayna! Please take a moment to leave a comment to let me know you dropped by. Have a wonderful day! 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

we fight to love

Jon Foreman, the lead vocalist of Switchfoot, once said that to be a lover, you have to be a fighter.

That in order to love, we have to battle against the things that rip us apart. 
The things that feed our guilt, and keep us up at night. 
The pressing force pushing us away from what is true and noble. 
We have to fight. 

For me, sometimes I have to fight for that tinny little wisper in my heart.
The voice that tells me to know how loved and valuable I am.
     The voice of joy.
Of peace. 
   Of hope.
I have to fight.

I have to fight to love my body.
I fight to love my nose and thighs and arms everyday.

 It's a fight to love the people who raise my blood pressure. 
Fighting for compassion and a still tongue is draining. 

I fight to love me, in all my inadequacy and failures. 

I have to fight to love my friends and family, 
 knowing that I am not the perfect child and friend. 

Everything lovey and noble, everything true and pure, has to be chased after. 
We have to fight against insecurity. 
Stand up against rage and annoyance. 
Push against the lies that around us.

And know

you are loved 
you are valuable
and you are not alone
  
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